© Adam Granger
THE US BUREAU OF ENGRAVING
3-5-03
And now a word from the friendly folks at the United States Bureau of Engraving, who want to remind you that you can pay cash.
ANNOUNCER: Let’s listen in as typical credit card customer Cash Checkercharge tries to deal with his credit card problems:
CUSTOMER: Let’s see. . .1-800-INDEEP
(electronic dialing sounds)
PHONE VOICE: Welcome to Comprehensive Financial Services’ Automated Phone System. Your call may be recorded, for purposes of entertainment at our Christmas party. Please listen carefully to the following menu, as numbers may change at any time and for any reason. For debt consolidation, debenture recertification or asset retention reappraisal, press “one”. For proxy rebate forfeiture or equity refinancing receivership, press “two”. For credit card information, press “three” (phone beep). Thank you. Please wait for the next available Customer Care Specialist. (ringing and phone noises)
(Muzaky “Tie a Yellow Ribbon ‘Round the Old Oak Tree”)
CUSTOMER: (sings along, slightly out of key) “I’ve got to know what is and isn’t mine. . .“
OPERATOR: Credit card services. May I help you?
CUSTOMER: Oh. Yes: I just transferred my old credit card balances to a new account with your company, and I have some questions.
OP: How many questions do you have, sir?
CU: Beg pardon?
OP: If you have more than two questions, I’ll have to transfer you to a Senior Customer Care Specialist.
CU: Are you a trainee, then?
OP: No, sir, I’m an Associate Customer Care Specialist. I am authorized to answer up to two questions involving sums of not more than seven thousand five hundred dollars. How many questions do you have, sir?
CU: Well, I don’t know. I guess I can limit my questions to two.
OP: Please go ahead with your first question sir.
CU: All right. This phone line isn’t very good; can you hear me okay?
OP: Yes sir. And your second question?
CU: Wait! Was that a question?
OP: Yes, sir, and so was that. Thank you and have a nice day.
(Dial tone)
(More dialing sounds)
PHONE VOICE: Welcome to the--
(phone beep)
(Muzak: “Tie a Yellow Ribbon” again)
OP: Credit card services. May I help you?
CU: Yes. I just transferred two old credit card balances to a new account with you, and I’m looking at my bill and I see I was charged for them. I’ve got the original offer here and it says that transfers are supposed to be free.
OP: Transfers are free, sir. Do you see the asterisk beside that statement?
CU: What? Oh, yes. I thought that was a smudge.
OP: No sir. Asterisk you’ll have to take. The footnote at the bottom explains that while account transfers are free, there is a balance relocation fee of thirty dollars per account.
CU: But isn’t that the same as a transfer?
OP: Sir, are you sure you want to use your second question in that manner?
CU: No, no, no! I retract the question! I want to ask about the interest rate. It says in the offer here that my new account carries a fixed interest rate of four percent, but the amount shown on my bill is twenty-seven percent.
OP: Sir, do you see the asterisk after the fixed interest rate?
CU: No, I—oh. Wait. Yes, I guess so. And here’s more writing here at the bottom. Does that offer an explanation?
OP: No, sir. That’s a notice advising you to use a magnifying glass to read the entire offer. There’s another asterisk after that.
CU: Well, I don’t have a magnifying glass handy--
OP: I do, sir. I’ll be happy to read it for you. It says, “‘Fixed interest rate’ is the assessed rate of interest at that moment”.
CU: But, isn’t that the same thing as adjustable-rate interest?
OP: Sir, you’ve already asked me two questions; you’re going to have to speak with a Senior Customer Care Specialist. Please hold--
CU: No, wait! That was a follow-up question. . .(FADE OUT)
ANN: See what trouble Mr Checkercharge is having with his credit card? Did you know that you don’t have those problems if you pay cash? We’ve been trained in this country not to deal in currency, but paying cash makes a lot of sense. Listen to John Green, a satisfied cash-paying consumer:
JG: I pay cash for everything. Cars, vacations, surgery. Heck, I even bought my house with cash. Lemme tell you, you walk in with a Samsonite suitcase full of hundreds, and, the only question they’ll ask is, “Are you a big time drug dealer?” No mortgage papers to try to understand, nothing to sign. And, when you pay cash for your plane tickets, you get a nifty printout of your personal financial profile and a free terrorist evaluation!
ANN: Your United States Bureau of Engraving encourages you to pay in cash. It’s clean, it’s simple, there are no phone menus or asterisks, and you can ask as many questions as you want.
3-5-03
And now a word from the friendly folks at the United States Bureau of Engraving, who want to remind you that you can pay cash.
ANNOUNCER: Let’s listen in as typical credit card customer Cash Checkercharge tries to deal with his credit card problems:
CUSTOMER: Let’s see. . .1-800-INDEEP
(electronic dialing sounds)
PHONE VOICE: Welcome to Comprehensive Financial Services’ Automated Phone System. Your call may be recorded, for purposes of entertainment at our Christmas party. Please listen carefully to the following menu, as numbers may change at any time and for any reason. For debt consolidation, debenture recertification or asset retention reappraisal, press “one”. For proxy rebate forfeiture or equity refinancing receivership, press “two”. For credit card information, press “three” (phone beep). Thank you. Please wait for the next available Customer Care Specialist. (ringing and phone noises)
(Muzaky “Tie a Yellow Ribbon ‘Round the Old Oak Tree”)
CUSTOMER: (sings along, slightly out of key) “I’ve got to know what is and isn’t mine. . .“
OPERATOR: Credit card services. May I help you?
CUSTOMER: Oh. Yes: I just transferred my old credit card balances to a new account with your company, and I have some questions.
OP: How many questions do you have, sir?
CU: Beg pardon?
OP: If you have more than two questions, I’ll have to transfer you to a Senior Customer Care Specialist.
CU: Are you a trainee, then?
OP: No, sir, I’m an Associate Customer Care Specialist. I am authorized to answer up to two questions involving sums of not more than seven thousand five hundred dollars. How many questions do you have, sir?
CU: Well, I don’t know. I guess I can limit my questions to two.
OP: Please go ahead with your first question sir.
CU: All right. This phone line isn’t very good; can you hear me okay?
OP: Yes sir. And your second question?
CU: Wait! Was that a question?
OP: Yes, sir, and so was that. Thank you and have a nice day.
(Dial tone)
(More dialing sounds)
PHONE VOICE: Welcome to the--
(phone beep)
(Muzak: “Tie a Yellow Ribbon” again)
OP: Credit card services. May I help you?
CU: Yes. I just transferred two old credit card balances to a new account with you, and I’m looking at my bill and I see I was charged for them. I’ve got the original offer here and it says that transfers are supposed to be free.
OP: Transfers are free, sir. Do you see the asterisk beside that statement?
CU: What? Oh, yes. I thought that was a smudge.
OP: No sir. Asterisk you’ll have to take. The footnote at the bottom explains that while account transfers are free, there is a balance relocation fee of thirty dollars per account.
CU: But isn’t that the same as a transfer?
OP: Sir, are you sure you want to use your second question in that manner?
CU: No, no, no! I retract the question! I want to ask about the interest rate. It says in the offer here that my new account carries a fixed interest rate of four percent, but the amount shown on my bill is twenty-seven percent.
OP: Sir, do you see the asterisk after the fixed interest rate?
CU: No, I—oh. Wait. Yes, I guess so. And here’s more writing here at the bottom. Does that offer an explanation?
OP: No, sir. That’s a notice advising you to use a magnifying glass to read the entire offer. There’s another asterisk after that.
CU: Well, I don’t have a magnifying glass handy--
OP: I do, sir. I’ll be happy to read it for you. It says, “‘Fixed interest rate’ is the assessed rate of interest at that moment”.
CU: But, isn’t that the same thing as adjustable-rate interest?
OP: Sir, you’ve already asked me two questions; you’re going to have to speak with a Senior Customer Care Specialist. Please hold--
CU: No, wait! That was a follow-up question. . .(FADE OUT)
ANN: See what trouble Mr Checkercharge is having with his credit card? Did you know that you don’t have those problems if you pay cash? We’ve been trained in this country not to deal in currency, but paying cash makes a lot of sense. Listen to John Green, a satisfied cash-paying consumer:
JG: I pay cash for everything. Cars, vacations, surgery. Heck, I even bought my house with cash. Lemme tell you, you walk in with a Samsonite suitcase full of hundreds, and, the only question they’ll ask is, “Are you a big time drug dealer?” No mortgage papers to try to understand, nothing to sign. And, when you pay cash for your plane tickets, you get a nifty printout of your personal financial profile and a free terrorist evaluation!
ANN: Your United States Bureau of Engraving encourages you to pay in cash. It’s clean, it’s simple, there are no phone menus or asterisks, and you can ask as many questions as you want.
