© Adam Granger
GUY NOIR AND THE
TOM SWIFTIES
STANDARD INTRO
GN: . . .I decided to stop down to see Jimmy. . .(DOOR; FOOTSTEPS). . .Hello, jimmy.
J: Oh, Hiya, Mr Noir. How's it goin?
GN: Slow, Jimmy, slow.
J: Yeah, I hear that. It's so quiet in here you can hear a pun drop.
GN: So I thought I'd come down for a drink.
J: Yeah. A private eye's job is ten percent inspiration, ninety percent libation, eh?
GN: Libation? That's a pretty fancy word to be throwing around, Jimmy.
J: Oh, yeah. Libation is an alcoholic drink. Originally it was a drink dedicated to a god.
GN: I know what the word means, Jimmy; I just didn't know you did. I'd ask if you were taking night classes, but you're always here at night. . .
J: Actually, I'm studying this word power book here.
GN: Let me see this. . ."Word Up: Increasing Your Vocabulary While You Live Your Life".
J: Yeah. I'll probably be a bartender the rest of my life, but that doesn't mean I can't be a more articulate one.
GN: I don't know, Jimmy. If I wanted someone to use fancy words while serving me booze, I'd hang out in an English Department--
J: Oh, don't worry, Mr Noir, I'll be circumspect.
GN: Jimmy, if they didn't do that to you when you were a little baby, there's certainly no reason to go and have it done now.
J: Circumspect means "cautious or prudent". I'm just saying I'll try and talk normal.
GN: Yes, well, good.
J: I dunno, Mr N. It's just that I'm down here twelve hours a day, and I probably hear a vocabulary of a hundred words. The three words I hear most are "gimme a drink". A guy gets to longing for a little. . .
GN: Erudition?
J: Hey, that's today's word! Erudition, It means "scholarship".
GN: Yeah, well, how about a potable to complement this enlightening intercourse?
J: Huh?
GN: Gimme a drink.
J: Oh, sure, Mr N.
[DRINK NOISES]
[DOOR, FEMALE FOOTSTEPS]
GN: I was about to hoist my renal petard when in walked a blonde whose face could have launched a thousand ships and whose hips could have sunk them. She was wearing a dress that she must have bought at Nothing-Marcus and stiletto heels that would have pierced Old Ironsides.
MC: I'll have a turtle.
J: A turtle?
MC: A turtle: milk chocolate, caramel and pecans in vodka.
J: Uh, okay. A turtle.
MC: And make it snappy.
J: Okay, but it'll take me a minute to find some caramel. . .
MC: No, I mean I want a snapping turtle: add some cayenne pepper to it.
J: Oh, yeah. Right. One snapping turtle, coming right up.
MC: What are you staring at mister? Are you surprised by my drink order?
GN: No, no. I knew what you were going to order as soon as I saw you walking tortoise.
MC: You're a very observant man, Mister. . .
GN: Noir. Guy Noir. I'm trained to be observant, Miss. . .
MC: Coddle. Molly Coddle.
J: Here you are, ma'am. Are you just visiting our fair city?
MC: Yes. I'm here for the International Tom Swiftie Competition being held at your convention center tomorrow.
J: What's a Tom Swiftie, some kind of science fiction thing?
GN: No. You're too young to remember Tom Swifties, Jimmy. They're word jokes, like. . .
MC: Like: "I love to play Monopoly," he said gamely.
GN: Or, "I know just what this recipe needs," she said sagely.
MC: Or, "Why is that prisoner walking down those stairs?" he asked condescendingly.
GN: Yeah, or "I'm unable to stop our boat from drifting," he said cantankerously.
MC: Or, I've designed a new style of skirt, she said vehemently.
J: Hey, is this one? "I have a cat that swears when it's happy," she said percussively.
MC: That's the idea, Jimmy. So tell me, Mr Noir, what do you do when you're not chatting up dames in bars?
J: --How about "Our temp worker is gorgeous!" he exclaimed subcutaneously.
GN: That word power course is really paying off, Jimmy. I'm a private eye, Miss Coddle. Here's my card. Look me up, if you ever need my services.
J: How about this one: "I've got appointments with my podiatrist and my dermatologist." he said paradoxically.
MC: That's good, Jimmy. No offense, Mr Noir, but hopefully I won't ever need your services. That doesn't mean I wouldn't like to run into you again, in a civilian capacity.
J: She said coquettishly.
MC: Huh?
GN: I don't get it, Jimmy.
J: No, I'm just sayin. . .
GN: Oh. So, miss Coddle, I know that you don't want to compromise your chances in this competition tomorrow, but would you be willing to share your entry with us?
MC: Sure.
GN: I'm glad we look like honest types.
MC: It's more that neither of you looks like the type that would enter a word competition. My entry is "Here's the moving van I borrowed from you," he said truculently.
GN: Well, that sounds like a winner, Miss Coddle.
MC: Thanks, Mr Noir. we'll hope for the best. And now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to go to my hotel and get my beauty sleep.
GN: Well, that hardly seems necessary--
MC: You flatter me.
GN: No, really, Miss Coddle. I mean, sometimes you just have to act on an impulse. I don't know what happens to us after we're gone--if there's a God or not, or a heaven. But I always think, "What if I have a terminal illness. . ."
J: He said diagnostically.
MC: Let's hope you don't. Good night, Mr Noir. Good night, Jimmy.
GN: Good night.
J: And good luck!
[FOOTSTEPS, DOOR]
GN: It's funny, Jimmy, how life doesn't seem to add up.
J: He said, calculatedly.
GN: When I get near a dame like that, I feel like. . .like a little insect crawling through a long ditch. . .
J: He said trench-antly.
GN: You know, Jimmy, I can't remember an evening more misspent than this one. It's been a night where you and I both have been just. . .ridiculous. These stupid awful jokes we've cracked. I'm ashamed and embarrassed by both you and me and this inane conversation we've had.
J: He said superciliously.
GN: Good night, Jimmy.
J: G'night, Mr Noir.
STANDARD OUTRO
TOM SWIFTIES
STANDARD INTRO
GN: . . .I decided to stop down to see Jimmy. . .(DOOR; FOOTSTEPS). . .Hello, jimmy.
J: Oh, Hiya, Mr Noir. How's it goin?
GN: Slow, Jimmy, slow.
J: Yeah, I hear that. It's so quiet in here you can hear a pun drop.
GN: So I thought I'd come down for a drink.
J: Yeah. A private eye's job is ten percent inspiration, ninety percent libation, eh?
GN: Libation? That's a pretty fancy word to be throwing around, Jimmy.
J: Oh, yeah. Libation is an alcoholic drink. Originally it was a drink dedicated to a god.
GN: I know what the word means, Jimmy; I just didn't know you did. I'd ask if you were taking night classes, but you're always here at night. . .
J: Actually, I'm studying this word power book here.
GN: Let me see this. . ."Word Up: Increasing Your Vocabulary While You Live Your Life".
J: Yeah. I'll probably be a bartender the rest of my life, but that doesn't mean I can't be a more articulate one.
GN: I don't know, Jimmy. If I wanted someone to use fancy words while serving me booze, I'd hang out in an English Department--
J: Oh, don't worry, Mr Noir, I'll be circumspect.
GN: Jimmy, if they didn't do that to you when you were a little baby, there's certainly no reason to go and have it done now.
J: Circumspect means "cautious or prudent". I'm just saying I'll try and talk normal.
GN: Yes, well, good.
J: I dunno, Mr N. It's just that I'm down here twelve hours a day, and I probably hear a vocabulary of a hundred words. The three words I hear most are "gimme a drink". A guy gets to longing for a little. . .
GN: Erudition?
J: Hey, that's today's word! Erudition, It means "scholarship".
GN: Yeah, well, how about a potable to complement this enlightening intercourse?
J: Huh?
GN: Gimme a drink.
J: Oh, sure, Mr N.
[DRINK NOISES]
[DOOR, FEMALE FOOTSTEPS]
GN: I was about to hoist my renal petard when in walked a blonde whose face could have launched a thousand ships and whose hips could have sunk them. She was wearing a dress that she must have bought at Nothing-Marcus and stiletto heels that would have pierced Old Ironsides.
MC: I'll have a turtle.
J: A turtle?
MC: A turtle: milk chocolate, caramel and pecans in vodka.
J: Uh, okay. A turtle.
MC: And make it snappy.
J: Okay, but it'll take me a minute to find some caramel. . .
MC: No, I mean I want a snapping turtle: add some cayenne pepper to it.
J: Oh, yeah. Right. One snapping turtle, coming right up.
MC: What are you staring at mister? Are you surprised by my drink order?
GN: No, no. I knew what you were going to order as soon as I saw you walking tortoise.
MC: You're a very observant man, Mister. . .
GN: Noir. Guy Noir. I'm trained to be observant, Miss. . .
MC: Coddle. Molly Coddle.
J: Here you are, ma'am. Are you just visiting our fair city?
MC: Yes. I'm here for the International Tom Swiftie Competition being held at your convention center tomorrow.
J: What's a Tom Swiftie, some kind of science fiction thing?
GN: No. You're too young to remember Tom Swifties, Jimmy. They're word jokes, like. . .
MC: Like: "I love to play Monopoly," he said gamely.
GN: Or, "I know just what this recipe needs," she said sagely.
MC: Or, "Why is that prisoner walking down those stairs?" he asked condescendingly.
GN: Yeah, or "I'm unable to stop our boat from drifting," he said cantankerously.
MC: Or, I've designed a new style of skirt, she said vehemently.
J: Hey, is this one? "I have a cat that swears when it's happy," she said percussively.
MC: That's the idea, Jimmy. So tell me, Mr Noir, what do you do when you're not chatting up dames in bars?
J: --How about "Our temp worker is gorgeous!" he exclaimed subcutaneously.
GN: That word power course is really paying off, Jimmy. I'm a private eye, Miss Coddle. Here's my card. Look me up, if you ever need my services.
J: How about this one: "I've got appointments with my podiatrist and my dermatologist." he said paradoxically.
MC: That's good, Jimmy. No offense, Mr Noir, but hopefully I won't ever need your services. That doesn't mean I wouldn't like to run into you again, in a civilian capacity.
J: She said coquettishly.
MC: Huh?
GN: I don't get it, Jimmy.
J: No, I'm just sayin. . .
GN: Oh. So, miss Coddle, I know that you don't want to compromise your chances in this competition tomorrow, but would you be willing to share your entry with us?
MC: Sure.
GN: I'm glad we look like honest types.
MC: It's more that neither of you looks like the type that would enter a word competition. My entry is "Here's the moving van I borrowed from you," he said truculently.
GN: Well, that sounds like a winner, Miss Coddle.
MC: Thanks, Mr Noir. we'll hope for the best. And now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to go to my hotel and get my beauty sleep.
GN: Well, that hardly seems necessary--
MC: You flatter me.
GN: No, really, Miss Coddle. I mean, sometimes you just have to act on an impulse. I don't know what happens to us after we're gone--if there's a God or not, or a heaven. But I always think, "What if I have a terminal illness. . ."
J: He said diagnostically.
MC: Let's hope you don't. Good night, Mr Noir. Good night, Jimmy.
GN: Good night.
J: And good luck!
[FOOTSTEPS, DOOR]
GN: It's funny, Jimmy, how life doesn't seem to add up.
J: He said, calculatedly.
GN: When I get near a dame like that, I feel like. . .like a little insect crawling through a long ditch. . .
J: He said trench-antly.
GN: You know, Jimmy, I can't remember an evening more misspent than this one. It's been a night where you and I both have been just. . .ridiculous. These stupid awful jokes we've cracked. I'm ashamed and embarrassed by both you and me and this inane conversation we've had.
J: He said superciliously.
GN: Good night, Jimmy.
J: G'night, Mr Noir.
STANDARD OUTRO
