© Adam Granger
GUY NOIR AND THE NUDIST CAMP
ANN: A dark night. . .
GUY NOIR: I was working late, trying to make my outgo equal my income. It was so quiet you could hear a cat breathe. I was just about to move the decimal point one more digit over to the right when my doorknob turned. . .
[DOOR OPENING]
GN: In walked a woman who could have sunk the Spanish Armada without firing a shot. She was a sinuous brunette who moved like a dancer looking for a partner. She was wearing a dress that was so tight and sheer that—wait a minute. She wasn't wearing a dress at all! She was as naked as the day she was born!
OLIVIA KLOZOFF: Mr Noir?
GN: Y-yes?
OK: I hope you don't mind my just dropping in like this. For what I assume are obvious reasons, I had to visit you under cover of darkness.
GN: Well, at least you're under the cover of something.
OK: If you'll let me explain my circumstances, Mr Noir, all will be revealed.
GN: I wasn't sure anything else could be revealed, but she had my attention.
OK: You see, Mr Noir, I am a nudist.
GN: Well, that was certainly true: of all the nudists I'd seen, she was the nudest.
OK: I own the Ecdysian Fields Nudist Colony, just north of town. You've heard of it?
GN: Not Elysian Fields?
OK: No, ecdysian. An ecdysiast is one who takes his clothes off.
GK: Well, yes, I was certainly aware of the meaning of the word, I just--
OK: It's a pun.
GN: Of course, of course. I got it right away--
OK: Okay, Mr Noir, let's get down to the business of why I'm here like this at this time of night. I have a serious problem, and I need your help.
GN: Of course. But first, you're state of undress is a bit distracting, Miss Klozoff. Here, take my coat. And let me take this curtain off the rod [SOUNDS] and you can wrap it around yourself. [AWKWARD SOUNDS] There. That doesn't look half bad.
OK: I look like someone in Gone with the Wind.
GN: Well, nudists can't be choosers. . .
OK: I'll get right down to business, Mr Noir. Someone is stealing our clothes.
GN: I don't think so (looking down). My shoes are here. . .my socks. . .
OK: Not you, Mr Noir. Our clothes at Ecdysian Fields have been stolen.
GN: Someone has--
OK: Someone comes in in the middle of the night and takes the clothes out of our changing room. We are marooned out there without any clothes!
GN: Well, I don't know what I can do about it here--
OK: My thoughts exactly! You'll have to come out for a stay at Ecdysian Fields to solve this mystery.
GN: Well, I suppose I could to that. Would I have to--
OK: What?
GN: You know. . .er--
OK: What? What? Oh, take off your clothes? Well, I don't very well see how you can be an undercover agent while you're wearing clothes, do you?
GN: Well, this has never come up before, even after all these years in the business--
OK: Now here's the address and a false ID card that will get you admission. Come out as soon as you can, and I'll show you around.
GN: Well, I guess I can clear my calendar--
OK: Good, Good. I'll just be going now. Here is your jacket and your curtain [sound of clanking metal].
GN: But, wait! Now you're naked again. How will you get back?
OK: Our caterer drove me. [Box truck horn] He had to make an early-morning bakery run and agreed to bring me here.
GN: Oh, I see. . .
OK: Mmm hmm. [On her way out the door] Okay, please hurry Mr Noir!
GN: I went right home to pack, but what does one have to pack to go to a nudist camp?—and I was at the security gate for Ecdysian Fields bright and early the next morning.
[Car driving on gravel road]
GATE GUARD [with adolescent voice-changing voice]: Welcome to Elysian Fields, sir.
GN: Ecdysian.
GG: Huh?
GN: It's ecdysian, not elysian. See your sign there? Big six foot letters? E-C-D-Y--
GG: Oh. Okay. Can I see your membership card?
GN: Sure, I've got it right here. Here you go. . .
GG: [reading] “Mister Johnny Junk.” And it says here, “Just call me the Junk Man.” I'm sorry, but we can't use nicknames here. We'll have to call you Mr Junk.
GN: How about if you call me Johnny.
GG: That'd be okay. Let's see, you're assigned to the Bare Skin Lodge. Here's a map. You can park your car over there, and that blue building is the changing room.
GN: I made my way to the changing room, and as I was disrobing, I just kept thinking, “Picture them in their underwear,” but that didn't help, because they would still have more on than I did. [Zipper, rustling clothes and belt buckle] While I was disrobing, I checked out the changing room. It was essentially a walled pavilion, with open windows and door, and with little cubby holes for members' clothing. Of course it would be easy to steal the clothes from the room, but how would someone get past the security to reach the room? And what nudist would be motivated to steal others' clothes? It was time to get out into the population. I took a deep breath and walked out into the central courtyard.
[People talking and laughing. Volleyball and tennis.] As I made my way across the courtyard, I spotted Miss Klozoff. She was even more radiant in the daylight than she had been the night before. I waved to her.
OK: Hello, Mr Noir, or should I say, “Junkman.”
GN: Yes, I would have appreciated a different alias, Miss Klozoff. . .
OK: Oh my. Now I see why you're a private detective.
GN: We're just adjusting to our new environment, Miss Klozoff. And it is a bit cool today.
OK: Yes, of course. We'll say no more about it.
GN: That would be appreciated.
OK: So, Junkman--
GN: Please. Johnny.
OK: Johnny. You've seen some of the Park, and the scene of the crime. What do you think?
GN: Well, I don't know, Miss Klozoff. It would be easy for any member to steal clothes from that room, but there's no motive.
OK: Exactly. And our members are screened very carefully. You might recognize Mayor [Crowd and volleyball noise] and over there is Senator [Crowd and volleyball noise].
GN: Yes, she doesn't look so Senatorial here. . .
OK: Well, that's the whole point of nudism, Mr Noir: it strips away the irrelevant trappings of life and makes us accept each other for whom we really are. That's why I was so surprised when I saw your. . .well--
GN: Yes, thank you, Miss Klozoff. I think I have a good understanding of your reaction.
OK: Well, it's not the most important thing, is it?. . .Hmm?
GN: I'm thinking about it, Miss Klozoff.
OK: Well, what is your plan, Mr Noir?
GN: Well, I guess I'll just sort of blend in with the group here and check for any suspicious behavior. And then, tonight, I'll hide out in the utility closet of the changing room.
OK: That's why I came to you, Mr Noir: because of your brilliant mind. See, there are other more important things than--
GN: All right, Miss Klozoff. So I spent the day playing a little volleyball [Volleyball], going on a nature walk [nature sounds], eating in the mess hall [Lunch room sounds], and just generally being a nudist. Every time I began to get used to being naked, I'd see Miss Klozoff out of the corner of my eye whispering to a friend and looking over at me and giggling. After dinner, there was a campfire singalong. [group singing Free Bird] After a few choruses, I slipped away from the group and took my position in the changing room's utility closet. Shortly, the singing stopped, people said their good nights, and the camp fell silent except for the singing of the crickets [Crickets] and a few night birds [Night birds]. Finally, even they stopped, and the entire place fell into dead silence. I sat there for what seemed like hours, and then, I heard a faint scritching sound, which got closer and closer. [Scritching] This was it; my culprits were approaching! [Scritching gets louder] They were in the room now, and I could hear some sort of secret coded communication among them. [Scritching and chittering now, too] I could hear them pulling clothing from the cubbyholes now. I could hear some of them hauling the clothes out of the changing room! It was time to make my move, so I threw open the door and switched on the light and there were. . .raccoons! Six or seven raccoons, scurrying about with articles of clothing in their mouths and paws. They ignored me at first, except for one female raccoon who looked at me and, I swear, was laughing [Laughing raccoon]. I didn't know how to talk to miscreant raccoons, so I just yelled, “All right, everyone! Drop those clothes!” and, except for those who had already left the room, they did. They dropped the clothes and headed for the door, just at the time that the gate guard and Miss Klozoff entered.
GG: Well, I'll be jiggered.
OK: Goodness gracious. RacCOONS!
GN: Yes, Miss Klozoff. There are your culprits. And if you follow those raccoons out there, they'll lead you to what I suspect will be a large stash of clothing.
OK: After them, Eddie!
GG: Yes, Miss Klozoff. [Runs off] Hey, you! Come back here. . .
OK: Well, Mr Noir, I guess it IS what's upstairs that counts.
GN: Well, it helps, that's for certain. I'll prepare my bill and mail it to you.
OK: Oh yes, please do. And thank you so much!
GN: Happy to help, Miss Klozoff. There is just one problem: those raccoons made off with my clothing—and my car keys—as well. I, I have nothing to wear to get home.
OK: That is a problem. But you're in luck, Mr Noir. The catering truck is just leaving for the bakery. I'm sure he'll be glad to drop you off at the Acme Building. . .
ANN: A dark night. . .
GUY NOIR: I was working late, trying to make my outgo equal my income. It was so quiet you could hear a cat breathe. I was just about to move the decimal point one more digit over to the right when my doorknob turned. . .
[DOOR OPENING]
GN: In walked a woman who could have sunk the Spanish Armada without firing a shot. She was a sinuous brunette who moved like a dancer looking for a partner. She was wearing a dress that was so tight and sheer that—wait a minute. She wasn't wearing a dress at all! She was as naked as the day she was born!
OLIVIA KLOZOFF: Mr Noir?
GN: Y-yes?
OK: I hope you don't mind my just dropping in like this. For what I assume are obvious reasons, I had to visit you under cover of darkness.
GN: Well, at least you're under the cover of something.
OK: If you'll let me explain my circumstances, Mr Noir, all will be revealed.
GN: I wasn't sure anything else could be revealed, but she had my attention.
OK: You see, Mr Noir, I am a nudist.
GN: Well, that was certainly true: of all the nudists I'd seen, she was the nudest.
OK: I own the Ecdysian Fields Nudist Colony, just north of town. You've heard of it?
GN: Not Elysian Fields?
OK: No, ecdysian. An ecdysiast is one who takes his clothes off.
GK: Well, yes, I was certainly aware of the meaning of the word, I just--
OK: It's a pun.
GN: Of course, of course. I got it right away--
OK: Okay, Mr Noir, let's get down to the business of why I'm here like this at this time of night. I have a serious problem, and I need your help.
GN: Of course. But first, you're state of undress is a bit distracting, Miss Klozoff. Here, take my coat. And let me take this curtain off the rod [SOUNDS] and you can wrap it around yourself. [AWKWARD SOUNDS] There. That doesn't look half bad.
OK: I look like someone in Gone with the Wind.
GN: Well, nudists can't be choosers. . .
OK: I'll get right down to business, Mr Noir. Someone is stealing our clothes.
GN: I don't think so (looking down). My shoes are here. . .my socks. . .
OK: Not you, Mr Noir. Our clothes at Ecdysian Fields have been stolen.
GN: Someone has--
OK: Someone comes in in the middle of the night and takes the clothes out of our changing room. We are marooned out there without any clothes!
GN: Well, I don't know what I can do about it here--
OK: My thoughts exactly! You'll have to come out for a stay at Ecdysian Fields to solve this mystery.
GN: Well, I suppose I could to that. Would I have to--
OK: What?
GN: You know. . .er--
OK: What? What? Oh, take off your clothes? Well, I don't very well see how you can be an undercover agent while you're wearing clothes, do you?
GN: Well, this has never come up before, even after all these years in the business--
OK: Now here's the address and a false ID card that will get you admission. Come out as soon as you can, and I'll show you around.
GN: Well, I guess I can clear my calendar--
OK: Good, Good. I'll just be going now. Here is your jacket and your curtain [sound of clanking metal].
GN: But, wait! Now you're naked again. How will you get back?
OK: Our caterer drove me. [Box truck horn] He had to make an early-morning bakery run and agreed to bring me here.
GN: Oh, I see. . .
OK: Mmm hmm. [On her way out the door] Okay, please hurry Mr Noir!
GN: I went right home to pack, but what does one have to pack to go to a nudist camp?—and I was at the security gate for Ecdysian Fields bright and early the next morning.
[Car driving on gravel road]
GATE GUARD [with adolescent voice-changing voice]: Welcome to Elysian Fields, sir.
GN: Ecdysian.
GG: Huh?
GN: It's ecdysian, not elysian. See your sign there? Big six foot letters? E-C-D-Y--
GG: Oh. Okay. Can I see your membership card?
GN: Sure, I've got it right here. Here you go. . .
GG: [reading] “Mister Johnny Junk.” And it says here, “Just call me the Junk Man.” I'm sorry, but we can't use nicknames here. We'll have to call you Mr Junk.
GN: How about if you call me Johnny.
GG: That'd be okay. Let's see, you're assigned to the Bare Skin Lodge. Here's a map. You can park your car over there, and that blue building is the changing room.
GN: I made my way to the changing room, and as I was disrobing, I just kept thinking, “Picture them in their underwear,” but that didn't help, because they would still have more on than I did. [Zipper, rustling clothes and belt buckle] While I was disrobing, I checked out the changing room. It was essentially a walled pavilion, with open windows and door, and with little cubby holes for members' clothing. Of course it would be easy to steal the clothes from the room, but how would someone get past the security to reach the room? And what nudist would be motivated to steal others' clothes? It was time to get out into the population. I took a deep breath and walked out into the central courtyard.
[People talking and laughing. Volleyball and tennis.] As I made my way across the courtyard, I spotted Miss Klozoff. She was even more radiant in the daylight than she had been the night before. I waved to her.
OK: Hello, Mr Noir, or should I say, “Junkman.”
GN: Yes, I would have appreciated a different alias, Miss Klozoff. . .
OK: Oh my. Now I see why you're a private detective.
GN: We're just adjusting to our new environment, Miss Klozoff. And it is a bit cool today.
OK: Yes, of course. We'll say no more about it.
GN: That would be appreciated.
OK: So, Junkman--
GN: Please. Johnny.
OK: Johnny. You've seen some of the Park, and the scene of the crime. What do you think?
GN: Well, I don't know, Miss Klozoff. It would be easy for any member to steal clothes from that room, but there's no motive.
OK: Exactly. And our members are screened very carefully. You might recognize Mayor [Crowd and volleyball noise] and over there is Senator [Crowd and volleyball noise].
GN: Yes, she doesn't look so Senatorial here. . .
OK: Well, that's the whole point of nudism, Mr Noir: it strips away the irrelevant trappings of life and makes us accept each other for whom we really are. That's why I was so surprised when I saw your. . .well--
GN: Yes, thank you, Miss Klozoff. I think I have a good understanding of your reaction.
OK: Well, it's not the most important thing, is it?. . .Hmm?
GN: I'm thinking about it, Miss Klozoff.
OK: Well, what is your plan, Mr Noir?
GN: Well, I guess I'll just sort of blend in with the group here and check for any suspicious behavior. And then, tonight, I'll hide out in the utility closet of the changing room.
OK: That's why I came to you, Mr Noir: because of your brilliant mind. See, there are other more important things than--
GN: All right, Miss Klozoff. So I spent the day playing a little volleyball [Volleyball], going on a nature walk [nature sounds], eating in the mess hall [Lunch room sounds], and just generally being a nudist. Every time I began to get used to being naked, I'd see Miss Klozoff out of the corner of my eye whispering to a friend and looking over at me and giggling. After dinner, there was a campfire singalong. [group singing Free Bird] After a few choruses, I slipped away from the group and took my position in the changing room's utility closet. Shortly, the singing stopped, people said their good nights, and the camp fell silent except for the singing of the crickets [Crickets] and a few night birds [Night birds]. Finally, even they stopped, and the entire place fell into dead silence. I sat there for what seemed like hours, and then, I heard a faint scritching sound, which got closer and closer. [Scritching] This was it; my culprits were approaching! [Scritching gets louder] They were in the room now, and I could hear some sort of secret coded communication among them. [Scritching and chittering now, too] I could hear them pulling clothing from the cubbyholes now. I could hear some of them hauling the clothes out of the changing room! It was time to make my move, so I threw open the door and switched on the light and there were. . .raccoons! Six or seven raccoons, scurrying about with articles of clothing in their mouths and paws. They ignored me at first, except for one female raccoon who looked at me and, I swear, was laughing [Laughing raccoon]. I didn't know how to talk to miscreant raccoons, so I just yelled, “All right, everyone! Drop those clothes!” and, except for those who had already left the room, they did. They dropped the clothes and headed for the door, just at the time that the gate guard and Miss Klozoff entered.
GG: Well, I'll be jiggered.
OK: Goodness gracious. RacCOONS!
GN: Yes, Miss Klozoff. There are your culprits. And if you follow those raccoons out there, they'll lead you to what I suspect will be a large stash of clothing.
OK: After them, Eddie!
GG: Yes, Miss Klozoff. [Runs off] Hey, you! Come back here. . .
OK: Well, Mr Noir, I guess it IS what's upstairs that counts.
GN: Well, it helps, that's for certain. I'll prepare my bill and mail it to you.
OK: Oh yes, please do. And thank you so much!
GN: Happy to help, Miss Klozoff. There is just one problem: those raccoons made off with my clothing—and my car keys—as well. I, I have nothing to wear to get home.
OK: That is a problem. But you're in luck, Mr Noir. The catering truck is just leaving for the bakery. I'm sure he'll be glad to drop you off at the Acme Building. . .