THE SCAMCO VISI-TOPPER--1-16-94
running time: 3:20
© Adam Granger
[Adam comes onstage with box]
ADAM: Say, Pop, the most interesting coincidence happened to me the other day.
POP: Oh--one of those coincidence stories huh? Tell us about it.
ADAM: Well, I was contemplating the whole concept of winter. . .
POP: The whole concept?
ADAM: Yeah. Everything from the "no two snowflakes are exactly alike" phenomenon to the poetic implications of bare tree branches. . ..
POP: That's pretty much the whole concept, I guess.
ADAM: . . .and I got to thinking about how, in the winter when the snow gets real deep, people tie red bandanas to their car aerials or stick those little orange ping pong balls on them, so that other drivers will be able to see them coming around a snowbank.
POP; Uh-huh, I've seen that.
ADAM: Well, I started thinking, that's great for your car, but what about you?
POP: Well, if I'm in the car. . .
ADAM: No, I mean when your a pedestrian, and the snowbanks are so tall that no one can see that you're just about to step off the curb. That's a dangerous situation.
POP: I hadn't thought about that.
ADAM: Well, maybe you should. [Beat] Scamco did.
POP: Scamco! Oh yes, our old sponsor. So that's where this is leading.
ADAM: That's the coincidence part, Pop. I was just thinking about this problem, and I went to get my mail, and there was a package with a new product sample from Scamco. Something they want me to sell on the show. Guess what it was?
POP: Uh, I'll bet it was an orange ping pong ball on an antenna that you can hold above your head while walking in deep snow.
ADAM: How wrong you are, Pop. Think about it: that would be a bother, to have to carry a stick around all the time. You'd probably put it down somewhere and forget it. No, Scamco products are for people who don't want to have to think that much.
POP: Yes, as I recall, Scamco particularly prefers that people don't think too much before placing an order with them. So what is this wonderful new product?
ADAM: It's called the Visi-Topper [remove from box; hold up] See, the idea is that you should treat yourself as well as you treat your car. You put it on, like this. [put on for a second]
POP: That's nice, Adam. You're visible all right. If I saw you coming around a snowbank with that thing on, I would definitely steer clear of you. I think I'd give you a real wide berth. You're safe all right, except that you can't see!
ADAM: That's why Scamco added a radio beacon [points to beacon]: In case yu get lost, your friends or loved ones can find you!
POP: By tracking down the beacon?
ADAM: Yep. They just have to know what frequency you're walking at. [puts back on]
POP: What's that thing that looks like a bucket handle?
ADAM: Chinstrap [lowers chinstrap]
POP: This is ridiculous, Adam. I'll bet you can't even walk from here into the cabin with that silly thing on.
ADAM: Of course I can. [Turns and walks into cabin wall. Gropes for door and finds his way through.]
POP: The Visi-Topper, ladies and gentlemen. Another fine product from Scamco. You decide if it's right for you. . .[Applause]. . .Well, it may take Adam awhile to find his way back on stage, so in the meantime, I think I'll do a song for you.
running time: 3:20
© Adam Granger
[Adam comes onstage with box]
ADAM: Say, Pop, the most interesting coincidence happened to me the other day.
POP: Oh--one of those coincidence stories huh? Tell us about it.
ADAM: Well, I was contemplating the whole concept of winter. . .
POP: The whole concept?
ADAM: Yeah. Everything from the "no two snowflakes are exactly alike" phenomenon to the poetic implications of bare tree branches. . ..
POP: That's pretty much the whole concept, I guess.
ADAM: . . .and I got to thinking about how, in the winter when the snow gets real deep, people tie red bandanas to their car aerials or stick those little orange ping pong balls on them, so that other drivers will be able to see them coming around a snowbank.
POP; Uh-huh, I've seen that.
ADAM: Well, I started thinking, that's great for your car, but what about you?
POP: Well, if I'm in the car. . .
ADAM: No, I mean when your a pedestrian, and the snowbanks are so tall that no one can see that you're just about to step off the curb. That's a dangerous situation.
POP: I hadn't thought about that.
ADAM: Well, maybe you should. [Beat] Scamco did.
POP: Scamco! Oh yes, our old sponsor. So that's where this is leading.
ADAM: That's the coincidence part, Pop. I was just thinking about this problem, and I went to get my mail, and there was a package with a new product sample from Scamco. Something they want me to sell on the show. Guess what it was?
POP: Uh, I'll bet it was an orange ping pong ball on an antenna that you can hold above your head while walking in deep snow.
ADAM: How wrong you are, Pop. Think about it: that would be a bother, to have to carry a stick around all the time. You'd probably put it down somewhere and forget it. No, Scamco products are for people who don't want to have to think that much.
POP: Yes, as I recall, Scamco particularly prefers that people don't think too much before placing an order with them. So what is this wonderful new product?
ADAM: It's called the Visi-Topper [remove from box; hold up] See, the idea is that you should treat yourself as well as you treat your car. You put it on, like this. [put on for a second]
POP: That's nice, Adam. You're visible all right. If I saw you coming around a snowbank with that thing on, I would definitely steer clear of you. I think I'd give you a real wide berth. You're safe all right, except that you can't see!
ADAM: That's why Scamco added a radio beacon [points to beacon]: In case yu get lost, your friends or loved ones can find you!
POP: By tracking down the beacon?
ADAM: Yep. They just have to know what frequency you're walking at. [puts back on]
POP: What's that thing that looks like a bucket handle?
ADAM: Chinstrap [lowers chinstrap]
POP: This is ridiculous, Adam. I'll bet you can't even walk from here into the cabin with that silly thing on.
ADAM: Of course I can. [Turns and walks into cabin wall. Gropes for door and finds his way through.]
POP: The Visi-Topper, ladies and gentlemen. Another fine product from Scamco. You decide if it's right for you. . .[Applause]. . .Well, it may take Adam awhile to find his way back on stage, so in the meantime, I think I'll do a song for you.