THE SCAMCO CEREBROMAT
running time: 4:30
© Adam Granger
ADAM: Folks, did you ever feel--be honest now--did you ever feel, deep down, that maybe you're not quite--adequate? You know, you're standing at the bus stop and it's pouring rain and you can't figure out how to open your umbrella. . .
POP: Yeah, and when a bus comes, you forget to look at what route it is and you just get on, and it turns out to be an express bus: no one gets off before North Dakota.
ADAM: Right. So you're sitting there trying to read the bus schedule, but you can't figure it out, and the guy behind you is talking about how he got called down to the Mayo Clinic to help out with some particularly intricate brain surgery, and he's mainly a heart and lung specialist, but they wanted him because of his deft touch. And you know that if you were that guy, your deft touch would turn the patient into a presidential candidate or something.
POP: That's right. And meanwhile, you're halfway to North Dakota. . .
ADAM: Kind of makes you wonder where you were the day the brain vouchers were issued. . .
POP: Makes you wish there was some kind of vending machine where you'd just drop your quarter in and, "PLOP!", a little packet of intelligence would slide down the chute.
ADAM: (laughs) Well, of course there's no such vending machine, friends, but there is an answer. All you really need is to have your very own, very affordable Cerebromat!
POP: Cerebromat. (Adam picks up the bucket and shows it) Ah, yes, I see. Another fine product of Scamco, is it not?
ADAM: That's right, Pop. You recognized their distinctive styling, didn't you? Yes folks, the Scamco Cerebromat will increase your brain power while you relax in the comfort of your own home. It's easy! No books, no classes, no memorization exercises. Just put it on, set the selector to the subject you want to increase your knowledge about, turn it on, and in less than twenty seconds, you and your friends will notice the difference.
POP: Have you tried this thing, Adam?
ADAM: No, I really haven't needed to, Pop.
POP: Well, come on. You must be a little deficient in some subject. (reads the switch) Let's see, they've got history, English, secretarial skills, typing. Hey, here's a math setting. You're not very good at math. Remember that gig in Albuquerque? You got us two per cent of the gate, and we had to pay the audience. . .
ADAM: It was three percent, and there were only four people there. . .
POP: Come on, put it on. Let's demonstrate it.
ADAM: Well, okay. Be sure it's set on math, though. I know enough history to last me a lifetime.
POP: Okay. Well, it says "TWIST" here, and there's an arrow.
ADAM: Okay. Do you think that's critical?
POP: Who knows? Maybe if you twist it on the wrong way, it'll suck your brains out.
ADAM: (pauses) You sure you don't want to try it out first?
POP: You discovered this sponser, Adam. You deserve the honor of going first. [Adam puts bucket on head, and turns it a little.] Okay, I'll set the Cerebroswitch to "Math". . .and now, let's turn it on. . . While Adam is being processed, I'll tell you that the Cerebromat comes with a lifetime drive train warranty. Batteries are not included. Use only as directed. Not sold in stores. Do not use in the bathtub. How are you doing, Adam?
ADAM: [mumble]
POP: And if you order now, you'll also get, absolutely free, this beautiful dust cover. [holds up ugly piece of cloth] And now, let's remove the Cerebromat. Well, what do you say, Adam?
ADAM: A prime number is a number that has no factor except itself and one.
POP: That's really impressive, Adam. I guess it works. Well, let's get on with our show, now--
ADAM: The Pythagorean Theorem: The square of the hypotenuse of a right triangle is equal to the sum of the squares of the other two sides.
POP: Great, Adam, but--
ADAM: A square is a quadrilateral, but a quadrilateral is not necessarily a square.
POP: Could we get someone to help Adam off stage?
ADAM: Would you like to hear me recite pi to a hundred decimal points?
POP: Not really.
ADAM: 3 . 1 4 1 5 9 2 6 5. . .
[Rosalie enters and escorts Adam off as he recites pi.]
POP: There you have it, folks: the Cerebromat, from Scamco. Made in Minnesota.
running time: 4:30
© Adam Granger
ADAM: Folks, did you ever feel--be honest now--did you ever feel, deep down, that maybe you're not quite--adequate? You know, you're standing at the bus stop and it's pouring rain and you can't figure out how to open your umbrella. . .
POP: Yeah, and when a bus comes, you forget to look at what route it is and you just get on, and it turns out to be an express bus: no one gets off before North Dakota.
ADAM: Right. So you're sitting there trying to read the bus schedule, but you can't figure it out, and the guy behind you is talking about how he got called down to the Mayo Clinic to help out with some particularly intricate brain surgery, and he's mainly a heart and lung specialist, but they wanted him because of his deft touch. And you know that if you were that guy, your deft touch would turn the patient into a presidential candidate or something.
POP: That's right. And meanwhile, you're halfway to North Dakota. . .
ADAM: Kind of makes you wonder where you were the day the brain vouchers were issued. . .
POP: Makes you wish there was some kind of vending machine where you'd just drop your quarter in and, "PLOP!", a little packet of intelligence would slide down the chute.
ADAM: (laughs) Well, of course there's no such vending machine, friends, but there is an answer. All you really need is to have your very own, very affordable Cerebromat!
POP: Cerebromat. (Adam picks up the bucket and shows it) Ah, yes, I see. Another fine product of Scamco, is it not?
ADAM: That's right, Pop. You recognized their distinctive styling, didn't you? Yes folks, the Scamco Cerebromat will increase your brain power while you relax in the comfort of your own home. It's easy! No books, no classes, no memorization exercises. Just put it on, set the selector to the subject you want to increase your knowledge about, turn it on, and in less than twenty seconds, you and your friends will notice the difference.
POP: Have you tried this thing, Adam?
ADAM: No, I really haven't needed to, Pop.
POP: Well, come on. You must be a little deficient in some subject. (reads the switch) Let's see, they've got history, English, secretarial skills, typing. Hey, here's a math setting. You're not very good at math. Remember that gig in Albuquerque? You got us two per cent of the gate, and we had to pay the audience. . .
ADAM: It was three percent, and there were only four people there. . .
POP: Come on, put it on. Let's demonstrate it.
ADAM: Well, okay. Be sure it's set on math, though. I know enough history to last me a lifetime.
POP: Okay. Well, it says "TWIST" here, and there's an arrow.
ADAM: Okay. Do you think that's critical?
POP: Who knows? Maybe if you twist it on the wrong way, it'll suck your brains out.
ADAM: (pauses) You sure you don't want to try it out first?
POP: You discovered this sponser, Adam. You deserve the honor of going first. [Adam puts bucket on head, and turns it a little.] Okay, I'll set the Cerebroswitch to "Math". . .and now, let's turn it on. . . While Adam is being processed, I'll tell you that the Cerebromat comes with a lifetime drive train warranty. Batteries are not included. Use only as directed. Not sold in stores. Do not use in the bathtub. How are you doing, Adam?
ADAM: [mumble]
POP: And if you order now, you'll also get, absolutely free, this beautiful dust cover. [holds up ugly piece of cloth] And now, let's remove the Cerebromat. Well, what do you say, Adam?
ADAM: A prime number is a number that has no factor except itself and one.
POP: That's really impressive, Adam. I guess it works. Well, let's get on with our show, now--
ADAM: The Pythagorean Theorem: The square of the hypotenuse of a right triangle is equal to the sum of the squares of the other two sides.
POP: Great, Adam, but--
ADAM: A square is a quadrilateral, but a quadrilateral is not necessarily a square.
POP: Could we get someone to help Adam off stage?
ADAM: Would you like to hear me recite pi to a hundred decimal points?
POP: Not really.
ADAM: 3 . 1 4 1 5 9 2 6 5. . .
[Rosalie enters and escorts Adam off as he recites pi.]
POP: There you have it, folks: the Cerebromat, from Scamco. Made in Minnesota.