Content for the 2007 Park Bugle April Fool's Edition
© Adam Granger
Canine Psychiatric Services
Specializing in Canine Disorders and Afflictions Including:
Call 1-800-MESSEDUPMUTT
FOR A FREE CONSULTATION
NOTE: Examination and treatment rates apply to dogs, not their owners
Seasonal Housing in the Park:
ARE YOU A FOLLOWER OR A LEADER?
Are you going to sit by and watch while SOMEONE ELSE buys the first generation of SNOW HOUSES? These are NEW DWELLINGS; You will be the first (and only!) occupants. Everything SHINY AND NEW! We offer two models:
[PICTURE OF HOUSE MADE OF SNOW]
The “Baffin Island”
$213,000
[ANOTHER SNOW HOUSE PICTURE]
The “Nanook”
$157,000
HURRY. THERE’S NO TIME TO WASTE.
If you don’t act quickly, there won't be a house for you to buy! You'll have to wait until the next snow-dwelling season to take occupancy.
Call today. A salesman will pay a lengthy visit to your house.
1-800-IGLOO4U
SNOW ON AND SNOW FORT, INC.
“The finest snow dwellings this side of Hudson Bay”
Houses guaranteed through April 3, 2007
Old Escalators Find New Life in Homes of Baby Boomers--But Not Without Controversy
Echoing what has apparently become a nationwide trend, a sixty-something St Anthony Park resident has recently installed an escalator in his home. “I read about them in the New York Times Sunday Magazine”, said Park resident Wendell Reed. “I’ve been having trouble getting up and down the stairs lately—too many marathons, my doctor says. Anyway, I saw this escalator on Ebay and bought it from a Detroit salvage company.”
But there is, Reed admits, another reason he had the seven-ton 1961 Schindler Model 4300 two-story commercial escalator installed in his house: nostalgia. “Every time I get on that escalator, it makes me feel like I’m a kid on his way to the candy counter at Kresge’s”, said Reed, adding, “And besides, it’s just about the only thing I didn’t have”.
Reed (who admitted upon further questioning that he hasn’t ever actually been in a Kresge’s) concedes that the escalator, which he has nicknamed “Schindler’s Lift”, has garnered more than a little attention. Neighbors who emphasized good relations with the Reeds overall complained about the noise of the motor, which, they claim, the Reeds leave on twenty-four hours a day. Also, local environmental groups question the waste of energy. “Wendell has a ‘Think Green’ sticker on his Prius, but an escalator is not a very ‘green’ way for a family to get from floor to floor”, said local environmental activist Les Mogg.
Still others protest the very presence of an escalator in the Park. “There’s never been an escalator in the Park. Why does there all of a sudden need to be an escalator in the Park now?” said Sybil Tongue, president of KOPEF: Keep Our Park Escalator-Free. KOPEF members have indicated that they will picket the Reeds’ house and leaflet the area.
For his part, Wendell Reed has apologized for the noise, explaining that his teenaged son is supposed to turn off the escalator before he goes to bed but that he forgets. He has promised to put a timer control on the escalator, but stands by his right to have an escalator in his house, adding “That’s why we fought the war in Iraq”.
FLASHLIGHT ON THE ARTS
Cultural Goings-on in Our Neighborhood
A Fella Could Get Kilt. . .
The Falcon Heights Bagpipe Quintet will present a program of Pop Hits of the Seventies on April 3. Music of the BeeGees and the Captain and Tenille will be featured. Haggis will be served. Listen for location.
A Buck and a Wing and a Prayer. . .
The Tap Dance Fellowship of the Free-Form Church of St Anthony Park will tap their way through the book of Job April 7 at the Church. This is part of a series of dance interpretations of books of the Old Testament by the Church’s Tap Dance Fellowship.
Far from the Mooing Crowd. . .
Performance artist Helen Stroud will sit very, very still all day in the dairy barn at the University of Minnesota St Paul campus. The date is as yet uncertain. Miss Stroud, according to her bio, has always liked sitting quietly among animals (and, in warm weather, fish).
Flat Foot Folk Fest. . .
St Anthony Park Volunteer Police Department Woodwind Ensemble and Rifle Team will present a concert of traditional law enforcement folk songs April 22 at noon in the Squad’s equipment room. The Auxiliary Dance Line will also be there doing improvisational interpretations of the music. They'll be wearing tube tops and Capri pants, so please leave the kids at home.
Go Ahead, Macrame. . .
A traveling exhibit of fabric art pieces and wall hangings created by actor/director Clint Eastwood will open April 27 at the Shooting Gallery in Roseville. Half off the admission price for turning in a handgun in any condition.
Advertisement
BUCK THE BABY-NAMER
Having a baby? Can't decide on a name? Afraid of being ridiculed for your choice by your peers? Beset by opinionated in-laws? Just too darned busy to think about it?
Give Buck the Baby-Namer a call!
SUBMIT THE FATE OF YOUR BABY’S NAME TO AN INDEPENDENT ENTITY
If the name works out, YOU get the credit
If it bombs, you can “Blame Buck”
April is the month for Buck's Bible Bonanza--
All Biblical names are two-for-one.
And remember, if you have twins, the second name is ALWAYS half-price!
"Having a baby? You're in luck! Pick up the phone and call old Buck."
Call 1-800-WHO-AREU
AND: This month only
Mention this ad for a FREE middle name!
© Adam Granger
Canine Psychiatric Services
Specializing in Canine Disorders and Afflictions Including:
- Irritable Bowwow Syndrome—$25
- Small-breed A.D.H.D.—$50 and up
- Canine Mutiny—$35 per incident
- Barkinson’s—$100
- Menopaws—prices variable
- Wiener Dog Envy—$20
- Chihuahua Chatter—$300
- Schnauzer Rot—talk to veterinarian
Call 1-800-MESSEDUPMUTT
FOR A FREE CONSULTATION
NOTE: Examination and treatment rates apply to dogs, not their owners
Seasonal Housing in the Park:
ARE YOU A FOLLOWER OR A LEADER?
Are you going to sit by and watch while SOMEONE ELSE buys the first generation of SNOW HOUSES? These are NEW DWELLINGS; You will be the first (and only!) occupants. Everything SHINY AND NEW! We offer two models:
[PICTURE OF HOUSE MADE OF SNOW]
The “Baffin Island”
$213,000
[ANOTHER SNOW HOUSE PICTURE]
The “Nanook”
$157,000
HURRY. THERE’S NO TIME TO WASTE.
If you don’t act quickly, there won't be a house for you to buy! You'll have to wait until the next snow-dwelling season to take occupancy.
Call today. A salesman will pay a lengthy visit to your house.
1-800-IGLOO4U
SNOW ON AND SNOW FORT, INC.
“The finest snow dwellings this side of Hudson Bay”
Houses guaranteed through April 3, 2007
Old Escalators Find New Life in Homes of Baby Boomers--But Not Without Controversy
Echoing what has apparently become a nationwide trend, a sixty-something St Anthony Park resident has recently installed an escalator in his home. “I read about them in the New York Times Sunday Magazine”, said Park resident Wendell Reed. “I’ve been having trouble getting up and down the stairs lately—too many marathons, my doctor says. Anyway, I saw this escalator on Ebay and bought it from a Detroit salvage company.”
But there is, Reed admits, another reason he had the seven-ton 1961 Schindler Model 4300 two-story commercial escalator installed in his house: nostalgia. “Every time I get on that escalator, it makes me feel like I’m a kid on his way to the candy counter at Kresge’s”, said Reed, adding, “And besides, it’s just about the only thing I didn’t have”.
Reed (who admitted upon further questioning that he hasn’t ever actually been in a Kresge’s) concedes that the escalator, which he has nicknamed “Schindler’s Lift”, has garnered more than a little attention. Neighbors who emphasized good relations with the Reeds overall complained about the noise of the motor, which, they claim, the Reeds leave on twenty-four hours a day. Also, local environmental groups question the waste of energy. “Wendell has a ‘Think Green’ sticker on his Prius, but an escalator is not a very ‘green’ way for a family to get from floor to floor”, said local environmental activist Les Mogg.
Still others protest the very presence of an escalator in the Park. “There’s never been an escalator in the Park. Why does there all of a sudden need to be an escalator in the Park now?” said Sybil Tongue, president of KOPEF: Keep Our Park Escalator-Free. KOPEF members have indicated that they will picket the Reeds’ house and leaflet the area.
For his part, Wendell Reed has apologized for the noise, explaining that his teenaged son is supposed to turn off the escalator before he goes to bed but that he forgets. He has promised to put a timer control on the escalator, but stands by his right to have an escalator in his house, adding “That’s why we fought the war in Iraq”.
FLASHLIGHT ON THE ARTS
Cultural Goings-on in Our Neighborhood
A Fella Could Get Kilt. . .
The Falcon Heights Bagpipe Quintet will present a program of Pop Hits of the Seventies on April 3. Music of the BeeGees and the Captain and Tenille will be featured. Haggis will be served. Listen for location.
A Buck and a Wing and a Prayer. . .
The Tap Dance Fellowship of the Free-Form Church of St Anthony Park will tap their way through the book of Job April 7 at the Church. This is part of a series of dance interpretations of books of the Old Testament by the Church’s Tap Dance Fellowship.
Far from the Mooing Crowd. . .
Performance artist Helen Stroud will sit very, very still all day in the dairy barn at the University of Minnesota St Paul campus. The date is as yet uncertain. Miss Stroud, according to her bio, has always liked sitting quietly among animals (and, in warm weather, fish).
Flat Foot Folk Fest. . .
St Anthony Park Volunteer Police Department Woodwind Ensemble and Rifle Team will present a concert of traditional law enforcement folk songs April 22 at noon in the Squad’s equipment room. The Auxiliary Dance Line will also be there doing improvisational interpretations of the music. They'll be wearing tube tops and Capri pants, so please leave the kids at home.
Go Ahead, Macrame. . .
A traveling exhibit of fabric art pieces and wall hangings created by actor/director Clint Eastwood will open April 27 at the Shooting Gallery in Roseville. Half off the admission price for turning in a handgun in any condition.
Advertisement
BUCK THE BABY-NAMER
Having a baby? Can't decide on a name? Afraid of being ridiculed for your choice by your peers? Beset by opinionated in-laws? Just too darned busy to think about it?
Give Buck the Baby-Namer a call!
SUBMIT THE FATE OF YOUR BABY’S NAME TO AN INDEPENDENT ENTITY
If the name works out, YOU get the credit
If it bombs, you can “Blame Buck”
April is the month for Buck's Bible Bonanza--
All Biblical names are two-for-one.
And remember, if you have twins, the second name is ALWAYS half-price!
"Having a baby? You're in luck! Pick up the phone and call old Buck."
Call 1-800-WHO-AREU
AND: This month only
Mention this ad for a FREE middle name!
