CONTENT FOR THE 2006 APRIL FOOL'S EDITION
© Adam Granger
NEW HYBRID PROMISES TO BE THE “ULTIMATE PRIVACY HEDGE”
A St Anthony Park resident tired of people looking into her yard as they walk past her house has developed a hybrid shrub which she calls “The Ultimate Privacy Hedge”. The new plant, which she has dubbed “Buck-Ivy”, is a cross-pollination of buckthorn and poison ivy.
Local resident Shirley U. Jest said, “I was tired of people walking past my house and looking into my yard and looking at all of my stuff. Even when we asked nicely, people still looked.” She added that she couldn’t afford a fence and that the Buck-Ivy hedge looks fine as long as you don’t touch it. Also, she said, Buck-Ivy is hardy to Zone 3.
Not all St Anthony Park residents, however, are welcoming Buck-Ivy into their community. At a recent neighborhood meeting, University of Minnesota horticulturist Artie Chokeheart pointed out that the community has worked hard in recent years to eradicate buckthorn. Jest responded that the war on buckthorn wasn’t working any better than the war on drugs was, that it is still everywhere and that she may as well take advantage of it. When asked about rumors that she was experimenting with the addition of kudzu to her Buck-Ivy hybrid, Jest offered no comment.
SPECIALTY ANIMAL SERVICES--“NO JOB TOO BIG OR TOO SMALL”
WORMS TURNED
GOATS GOTTEN
CATS CRADLED
GOOSES COOKED
WOODCHUCKS CHUCKED
FERRETS OUTED
RATS SMELLED
LLAMAS DOLLIED
BULLS DE-CHINA-SHOPPED
CAMELS NEEDLE-EYED
SPECIAL THIS MONTH:
DEAD LAMB’S TAILS SHAKEN: TWO FOR ONE
SPECIALTY ANIMAL SERVICES
BOX 145
PARK BUGLE
MNDOT TO ALLOW SIGNAL-LESS AUTOMOBILES
MnDOT announced this week that they will allow the sale and use in Minnesota of cars without turn signals, citing an almost complete absence of their use in the state.
“Not signaling turns and lane changes is almost a Minnesota tradition,” said Ethel Gass director of MnDOT’s Public Safety Department. “I think we Minnesotans sort of view using signals as showing off. We’re not the type to go around flashing our lights. MnDOT is simply responding to this reality, and saving the motorist a little money in the process.”
When asked if this move wasn’t simply a capitulation to bad driving, Gass replied, “Sometimes you have to lose a battle to win the war. To be honest, if we can get them to point their cars straight down the road and push the ‘go’ pedal, we figure we’re winning the war”.
A survey of local car dealers indicates that eliminating the turn signals from a car could lower its price by as much as $600.
Gass indicated that MnDOT will be watching the turn signal elimination program carefully, and that if it is successful, they will also consider doing away with crosswalks, yield signs and bike lanes. “It’s all about giving the Minnesota drivers what they want,” she said.
ASK THE ACCOUNTANT: YOUR PERSONAL FINANCIAL ADVISOR--
RIGHT HERE IN THE PAGES OF THE PARK BUGLE
by Carey D. Balance, CPA, MBA, HAH
SW of Lauderdale writes:
Dear Carey,
I keep reading in the financial news about leveraged debentures tumbling to an all-time low. Should I be concerned? Should I liquidate my incentive-crunching budgeting rollbacks (which, frankly, seem to be accelerating out of control)?
Carey responds:
Dear SW,
It all depends on whether your second-tier shortfall buyout jump-start forfeiture consolidations are solvent. If they are, go for it!
AG of St Anthony Park writes:
Dear Carey,
Lately, my high-end high-yield no-fee low-load inventory commodities look more like junk bond threshold deposit loss-leaders than the bearish venture-capital trickle-down windfall accounts they're supposed to be. What gives?
Carey responds:
Dear AG,
Call me at my office, and we’ll give your aggregate deposit balance subsidiary portfolio a thorough going-over. If we can’t jumpstart a supply-side tax-incremented balloon-driven capital-spending upswing, then perhaps another professional like one of Equity Receivership Refinancing Consultants’ Malleable Market Management Specialists can initiate a little venture-capital blowback incentive-deposit aggregate-increment commodities acceleration. Either way, you’re in good shape.
Do you have a financial question for Carey? Send it to him care of this paper.
© Adam Granger
NEW HYBRID PROMISES TO BE THE “ULTIMATE PRIVACY HEDGE”
A St Anthony Park resident tired of people looking into her yard as they walk past her house has developed a hybrid shrub which she calls “The Ultimate Privacy Hedge”. The new plant, which she has dubbed “Buck-Ivy”, is a cross-pollination of buckthorn and poison ivy.
Local resident Shirley U. Jest said, “I was tired of people walking past my house and looking into my yard and looking at all of my stuff. Even when we asked nicely, people still looked.” She added that she couldn’t afford a fence and that the Buck-Ivy hedge looks fine as long as you don’t touch it. Also, she said, Buck-Ivy is hardy to Zone 3.
Not all St Anthony Park residents, however, are welcoming Buck-Ivy into their community. At a recent neighborhood meeting, University of Minnesota horticulturist Artie Chokeheart pointed out that the community has worked hard in recent years to eradicate buckthorn. Jest responded that the war on buckthorn wasn’t working any better than the war on drugs was, that it is still everywhere and that she may as well take advantage of it. When asked about rumors that she was experimenting with the addition of kudzu to her Buck-Ivy hybrid, Jest offered no comment.
SPECIALTY ANIMAL SERVICES--“NO JOB TOO BIG OR TOO SMALL”
WORMS TURNED
GOATS GOTTEN
CATS CRADLED
GOOSES COOKED
WOODCHUCKS CHUCKED
FERRETS OUTED
RATS SMELLED
LLAMAS DOLLIED
BULLS DE-CHINA-SHOPPED
CAMELS NEEDLE-EYED
SPECIAL THIS MONTH:
DEAD LAMB’S TAILS SHAKEN: TWO FOR ONE
SPECIALTY ANIMAL SERVICES
BOX 145
PARK BUGLE
MNDOT TO ALLOW SIGNAL-LESS AUTOMOBILES
MnDOT announced this week that they will allow the sale and use in Minnesota of cars without turn signals, citing an almost complete absence of their use in the state.
“Not signaling turns and lane changes is almost a Minnesota tradition,” said Ethel Gass director of MnDOT’s Public Safety Department. “I think we Minnesotans sort of view using signals as showing off. We’re not the type to go around flashing our lights. MnDOT is simply responding to this reality, and saving the motorist a little money in the process.”
When asked if this move wasn’t simply a capitulation to bad driving, Gass replied, “Sometimes you have to lose a battle to win the war. To be honest, if we can get them to point their cars straight down the road and push the ‘go’ pedal, we figure we’re winning the war”.
A survey of local car dealers indicates that eliminating the turn signals from a car could lower its price by as much as $600.
Gass indicated that MnDOT will be watching the turn signal elimination program carefully, and that if it is successful, they will also consider doing away with crosswalks, yield signs and bike lanes. “It’s all about giving the Minnesota drivers what they want,” she said.
ASK THE ACCOUNTANT: YOUR PERSONAL FINANCIAL ADVISOR--
RIGHT HERE IN THE PAGES OF THE PARK BUGLE
by Carey D. Balance, CPA, MBA, HAH
SW of Lauderdale writes:
Dear Carey,
I keep reading in the financial news about leveraged debentures tumbling to an all-time low. Should I be concerned? Should I liquidate my incentive-crunching budgeting rollbacks (which, frankly, seem to be accelerating out of control)?
Carey responds:
Dear SW,
It all depends on whether your second-tier shortfall buyout jump-start forfeiture consolidations are solvent. If they are, go for it!
AG of St Anthony Park writes:
Dear Carey,
Lately, my high-end high-yield no-fee low-load inventory commodities look more like junk bond threshold deposit loss-leaders than the bearish venture-capital trickle-down windfall accounts they're supposed to be. What gives?
Carey responds:
Dear AG,
Call me at my office, and we’ll give your aggregate deposit balance subsidiary portfolio a thorough going-over. If we can’t jumpstart a supply-side tax-incremented balloon-driven capital-spending upswing, then perhaps another professional like one of Equity Receivership Refinancing Consultants’ Malleable Market Management Specialists can initiate a little venture-capital blowback incentive-deposit aggregate-increment commodities acceleration. Either way, you’re in good shape.
Do you have a financial question for Carey? Send it to him care of this paper.
