ERRC: POP'S HAD ENOUGH--4-17-94
running time: 4:30
© Adam Granger
ADAM: The next portion of The Cedar Social is brought to you by the friendly folks at Equity Receivership Refinancing Consultants, your leveraged-debenture multi-tier dividend blowback-enhanced equity reconfiguration specialists since 1991. Friends, if you're looking for--
POP: Er--Adam. If I might interrupt you for a moment. . . You know, I listen to these ads for Equity Refurbishing Deconstruction Consultants--
ADAM: --Equity Receivership Refinancing Consultants, Pop--
POP: Right. I listen to these ads, and, call me stupid, but they just don't make any sense.
ADAM: Pop, it's plain English.
POP: I'm willing to accept that it's English, Adam--although even that's debatable--but it's about as plain as a royal wedding. I think I'm speaking for a lot of folks when I say I don't have a clue as to what it all means.
[TO AUDIENCE] Am I right, folks?
[BOISTEROUS APPLAUSE, PRESUMABLY]
ADAM: Pop, I think there's a few sour grapes whizzing through the air here. It's no secret that, through a fluke, you lost most of your retirement fund to ERRC--
POP: It was all of my retirement fund: fourteen dollars and seventy-six cents, to be exact! But forgive and forget: I've put that all behind me, and I've still got to say, this high-brow financial lingo makes about as much sense as binoculars at a flea circus. For example--let me see that ad copy --[Adam hands copy to Pop]--"leveraged debenture". I've been hearing you use that phrase for three years, and I have no idea what it means.
ADAM: You don't know what "leveraged debenture" means?
POP: No. And obviously you do, so tell me.
ADAM: Well. . .a leveraged debenture is. . .a debenture. . .that's. . .you know. . .leveraged.
POP: [SKEPTICAL] Hmm. [reading] "Multi-tier dividend"
ADAM: . . .A multi-tier dividend is. . .any dividend that is not a single-tier dividend.
POP: Mmm-hmm. "Blowback-enhanced equity reconfiguration"
ADAM: Well now, that one we don't really have time to explain--
POP: Adam. You don't know what any of this means either, do you.
ADAM: Pop, I know that the checks they send us usually clear the bank.
POP: We haven't seen a check from these clowns since women wore hoop skirts. Frankly, I'm appalled. You've been coming on our show for three years now and shamelessly hawking some service you don't even understand!
ADAM: Well, Pop. I don't have to understand a bunch of complicated and exotic financial terms to like what ERRC does. I mean, I don't really understand Pablo Picasso's paintings, but I like them.
POP: I don't.
ADAM: What?
POP: I don't like Pablo Picasso's paintings. He puts noses where ears should be, and vice-versa. I'll take a cover of the Saturday Evening Post by Norman Rockwell any day.
ADAM: Well, anyway, I support the basic concept of Equity Receivership Refinancing Consultants.
POP: Which is what.
ADAM: Well, speaking as a shareholder--
POP: A shareholder! You've got stock in ERRC!?
ADAM: Well, yes. In return for my services as spokesperson for the company, they gave me some stock.
POP: [PUTTING IT ALL TOGETHER] So that means you got my nest egg.
ADAM: Well, not directly. I mean, I did see some of the profit from that transaction.
POP: How much?
ADAM: Well, I don't know. Maybe about two dollars?
POP: Well, hand it over.
ADAM: What?
POP: Hand it over. I'll start rebuilding that nest egg right now.
ADAM: Pop, this is totally inappropriate--
POP: What do you think, folks? Shouldn't he pay me my two bucks?
[AUDIENCE RESPONDS ENTHUSIASTICALLY]
[ADAM HANDS OVER MONEY]
POP: That's Equity Deceivership Refurbishing Consultants, high-jinx low-life limited-ethics fiduciary chicanery since 1991!
running time: 4:30
© Adam Granger
ADAM: The next portion of The Cedar Social is brought to you by the friendly folks at Equity Receivership Refinancing Consultants, your leveraged-debenture multi-tier dividend blowback-enhanced equity reconfiguration specialists since 1991. Friends, if you're looking for--
POP: Er--Adam. If I might interrupt you for a moment. . . You know, I listen to these ads for Equity Refurbishing Deconstruction Consultants--
ADAM: --Equity Receivership Refinancing Consultants, Pop--
POP: Right. I listen to these ads, and, call me stupid, but they just don't make any sense.
ADAM: Pop, it's plain English.
POP: I'm willing to accept that it's English, Adam--although even that's debatable--but it's about as plain as a royal wedding. I think I'm speaking for a lot of folks when I say I don't have a clue as to what it all means.
[TO AUDIENCE] Am I right, folks?
[BOISTEROUS APPLAUSE, PRESUMABLY]
ADAM: Pop, I think there's a few sour grapes whizzing through the air here. It's no secret that, through a fluke, you lost most of your retirement fund to ERRC--
POP: It was all of my retirement fund: fourteen dollars and seventy-six cents, to be exact! But forgive and forget: I've put that all behind me, and I've still got to say, this high-brow financial lingo makes about as much sense as binoculars at a flea circus. For example--let me see that ad copy --[Adam hands copy to Pop]--"leveraged debenture". I've been hearing you use that phrase for three years, and I have no idea what it means.
ADAM: You don't know what "leveraged debenture" means?
POP: No. And obviously you do, so tell me.
ADAM: Well. . .a leveraged debenture is. . .a debenture. . .that's. . .you know. . .leveraged.
POP: [SKEPTICAL] Hmm. [reading] "Multi-tier dividend"
ADAM: . . .A multi-tier dividend is. . .any dividend that is not a single-tier dividend.
POP: Mmm-hmm. "Blowback-enhanced equity reconfiguration"
ADAM: Well now, that one we don't really have time to explain--
POP: Adam. You don't know what any of this means either, do you.
ADAM: Pop, I know that the checks they send us usually clear the bank.
POP: We haven't seen a check from these clowns since women wore hoop skirts. Frankly, I'm appalled. You've been coming on our show for three years now and shamelessly hawking some service you don't even understand!
ADAM: Well, Pop. I don't have to understand a bunch of complicated and exotic financial terms to like what ERRC does. I mean, I don't really understand Pablo Picasso's paintings, but I like them.
POP: I don't.
ADAM: What?
POP: I don't like Pablo Picasso's paintings. He puts noses where ears should be, and vice-versa. I'll take a cover of the Saturday Evening Post by Norman Rockwell any day.
ADAM: Well, anyway, I support the basic concept of Equity Receivership Refinancing Consultants.
POP: Which is what.
ADAM: Well, speaking as a shareholder--
POP: A shareholder! You've got stock in ERRC!?
ADAM: Well, yes. In return for my services as spokesperson for the company, they gave me some stock.
POP: [PUTTING IT ALL TOGETHER] So that means you got my nest egg.
ADAM: Well, not directly. I mean, I did see some of the profit from that transaction.
POP: How much?
ADAM: Well, I don't know. Maybe about two dollars?
POP: Well, hand it over.
ADAM: What?
POP: Hand it over. I'll start rebuilding that nest egg right now.
ADAM: Pop, this is totally inappropriate--
POP: What do you think, folks? Shouldn't he pay me my two bucks?
[AUDIENCE RESPONDS ENTHUSIASTICALLY]
[ADAM HANDS OVER MONEY]
POP: That's Equity Deceivership Refurbishing Consultants, high-jinx low-life limited-ethics fiduciary chicanery since 1991!