© Adam Granger
[This is a parody of Dave Del Dotto, a 90s real estate infomercial hustler]
DAVE DEL DIPPO 5-16-93
running time 4:00
[NOTE: Adam is Dave; Renee Bergeron is Tina; Brian Barnes is Denny;
Al Maleson is Sid. Adam, Renee and Al will be wearing Hawaiian shirts. Brian will be wearing EDT garb, including, and especially, outlandish headwear. All will be wearing sunglasses.]
(Pop is onstage alone)
POP: Well, folks, financial times are tough, and the Cedar Social is hurting as badly as most other artistic endeavors these days. Well, the realities of this business being what they are, we've had to lease some of our air time to a well-known infommercial real estate entrepreneur. Please give him a hand, MR. DAVE DEL DIPPO!!
(Adam enters, as Dave. Pop exits)
(Three guests enter and, if chairs have not already been placed, place them, and sit).
Thank you! Well, folks, I am Dave Del Dippo, and I always dress like this! I don't have a job, I don't want a job, and, you know what?: I DON'T NEED A JOB!! These people [gesture]--and thousands more like them--pay my salary by attending my seminars. But you don't need me yelling at you about the success of the Dave Del Dippo "Money for Nothing and Your Checks for Free" seminars: These folks do it for me, and they pay me for the privilege! Just listen to their testimonials! Here's Tina, from Soderville:
I used to spend all my time reading romance novels. Then, one day, on my way to the book store, I stopped at a Dave Del Dippo seminar. A week later, I rented a one-car garage in Lake Elmo, hung pastel blinds in the windows and leased it to a yuppie commuter as an efficiency apartment. Now, I'm making a net profit of two thousand bucks a month!!
Isn't that amazing?! Don't you wish you were she?! But, don't just take her word for it! Listen to Denny, from Ham Lake:
I'll admit it: I was a gambling addict! Then, one day, instead of putting my money on Lucky Lady in the fourth race, I put it on Dave Del Dippo. The very next day, I bought an abandoned dog food factory with my Visa card, threw up a few plasterboard walls and sold the entire building as trendy warehouse district co-op apartments. I made a million bucks in three weeks!!
And now, you wear those clothes because you want to, and nobody can do anything about it!! Folks, can you believe your ears?! If we weren't on television, you'd say we were lying, wouldn't you? Well, you haven't heard anything yet! Here's Sid, from Oak Park Heights:
Life was dealing me a losing hand. I was addicted to heroin; I had a criminal record as long as Rapunzel's hair and I had been married eight times in as many years. Then, one day, I attended a Dave Del Dippo seminar, and eleven minutes later I bought a condemned warehouse in St. Paul on a loan, propped up the foundation with a few four-by-fours and sold it to a major computer corporation. I made twenty million bucks in nine hours!!!
Well, there you have it, friends: "Money for nothing, and your checks for free!" Here's the simple equation: I make out like a bandit because you make out like a bandit!! We all profit!!! And don't forget the Dave Del Dippo Guarantee: If I cheat you out of your money, you can hunt me down and beat me up! Call me today! My number is 1-900-IMA DIPPO. That's 1-900 IMA DIPPO.
DAVE DEL DIPPO 5-16-93
running time 4:00
[NOTE: Adam is Dave; Renee Bergeron is Tina; Brian Barnes is Denny;
Al Maleson is Sid. Adam, Renee and Al will be wearing Hawaiian shirts. Brian will be wearing EDT garb, including, and especially, outlandish headwear. All will be wearing sunglasses.]
(Pop is onstage alone)
POP: Well, folks, financial times are tough, and the Cedar Social is hurting as badly as most other artistic endeavors these days. Well, the realities of this business being what they are, we've had to lease some of our air time to a well-known infommercial real estate entrepreneur. Please give him a hand, MR. DAVE DEL DIPPO!!
(Adam enters, as Dave. Pop exits)
(Three guests enter and, if chairs have not already been placed, place them, and sit).
Thank you! Well, folks, I am Dave Del Dippo, and I always dress like this! I don't have a job, I don't want a job, and, you know what?: I DON'T NEED A JOB!! These people [gesture]--and thousands more like them--pay my salary by attending my seminars. But you don't need me yelling at you about the success of the Dave Del Dippo "Money for Nothing and Your Checks for Free" seminars: These folks do it for me, and they pay me for the privilege! Just listen to their testimonials! Here's Tina, from Soderville:
I used to spend all my time reading romance novels. Then, one day, on my way to the book store, I stopped at a Dave Del Dippo seminar. A week later, I rented a one-car garage in Lake Elmo, hung pastel blinds in the windows and leased it to a yuppie commuter as an efficiency apartment. Now, I'm making a net profit of two thousand bucks a month!!
Isn't that amazing?! Don't you wish you were she?! But, don't just take her word for it! Listen to Denny, from Ham Lake:
I'll admit it: I was a gambling addict! Then, one day, instead of putting my money on Lucky Lady in the fourth race, I put it on Dave Del Dippo. The very next day, I bought an abandoned dog food factory with my Visa card, threw up a few plasterboard walls and sold the entire building as trendy warehouse district co-op apartments. I made a million bucks in three weeks!!
And now, you wear those clothes because you want to, and nobody can do anything about it!! Folks, can you believe your ears?! If we weren't on television, you'd say we were lying, wouldn't you? Well, you haven't heard anything yet! Here's Sid, from Oak Park Heights:
Life was dealing me a losing hand. I was addicted to heroin; I had a criminal record as long as Rapunzel's hair and I had been married eight times in as many years. Then, one day, I attended a Dave Del Dippo seminar, and eleven minutes later I bought a condemned warehouse in St. Paul on a loan, propped up the foundation with a few four-by-fours and sold it to a major computer corporation. I made twenty million bucks in nine hours!!!
Well, there you have it, friends: "Money for nothing, and your checks for free!" Here's the simple equation: I make out like a bandit because you make out like a bandit!! We all profit!!! And don't forget the Dave Del Dippo Guarantee: If I cheat you out of your money, you can hunt me down and beat me up! Call me today! My number is 1-900-IMA DIPPO. That's 1-900 IMA DIPPO.