© Adam Granger
BELLOWS HUMOR--10-16-94
running time: 3:00
[Pop and Adam are in position on stage. Dan Newton enters and starts to set up on stage in the grove: adjusting mikes, plugging in, etc., but no noise yet.]
POP: Well, folks, we're about to introduce an unscheduled surprise guest on the Cedar Social. . .
ADAM: [looks surprised, turns and sees Dan, looks more surprised]
Uh, Pop? What's going on?
POP: I didn't get a chance to tell you before the show, Adam, but I managed to book Daddy Squeeze--Dan Newton--the area's finest accordion player for today's show!
ADAM: ACCORDION!
POP: Yeah, you know, the old squeeze box. . .the stomach Steinway!
ADAM: Pop, You know how I feel about accordions. When we first put this show together, my only condition was: "No accordions!" I don't want to sully our stage with cheesy accordion music--
[Dan, oblivious to conversation, continues to get ready to play, but, at this point, accidentally lets one end of accordion go so that it makes a loud, rude noise]
ADAM: There, see! I'm sure this Uncle Accordion guy is real nice, but--
POP: His name is Daddy Squeeze, Adam, you know, the accordion makes some of the most beautiful sounds in the world!
ADAM: Yeah, when it comes to dulcet tones, it ranks right up there with the musk ox and the blunderbuss.
[more rude accordion noises]
POP: And besides, Dan Newton is a great musician. He'll play anything!
ADAM: [looking at accordion] Obviously. Look, Pop. The only good accordion is a dead accordion. Nothing personal against Cousin Concertina here, but--
[Dan begins to acknowledge Pop and Adam's presence]
POP: It's Daddy Squeeze, Adam. Hi Dan, we're just about ready here [waves to Dan] Adam, would it change your mind if I told you that Dan Newton's appearance is underwritten by a sponsor?
ADAM: When accordions are outlawed, only outlaws will have--what?
POP: A sponsor. I found a sponsor for Dan Newton.
ADAM: A sponsor with money?
POP: With money.
ADAM: You found a sponsor for an accordion player?
POP: Adam, stranger things have happened.
ADAM: When?
POP: [ignoring him and picking up copy] Folks, Dan Newton's appearance on the Cedar Social is sponsored by Lady of Spain Brand Support Stockings!
[Dan breaks into raucous, uptempo, self-parodying "Lady of Spain"]
POP: [reads copy] Ladies, if you suffer from tired, achy legs; if your calves are droopy and toneless: if you're tired of friends saying, "Nice patterned stockings" when you're not wearing any, try on a pair of Lady of Spain Supporting Stockings for sighs--that's sighs: "S I G H S". Lady of Spain will adore your legs, and they cost little more than a good hammer. And remember, folks “For varicose veins, try Lady of Spains!”
[Dan finishes with flourish on cue]
[Pop then introduces Dan; Pop and Adam exit]
running time: 3:00
[Pop and Adam are in position on stage. Dan Newton enters and starts to set up on stage in the grove: adjusting mikes, plugging in, etc., but no noise yet.]
POP: Well, folks, we're about to introduce an unscheduled surprise guest on the Cedar Social. . .
ADAM: [looks surprised, turns and sees Dan, looks more surprised]
Uh, Pop? What's going on?
POP: I didn't get a chance to tell you before the show, Adam, but I managed to book Daddy Squeeze--Dan Newton--the area's finest accordion player for today's show!
ADAM: ACCORDION!
POP: Yeah, you know, the old squeeze box. . .the stomach Steinway!
ADAM: Pop, You know how I feel about accordions. When we first put this show together, my only condition was: "No accordions!" I don't want to sully our stage with cheesy accordion music--
[Dan, oblivious to conversation, continues to get ready to play, but, at this point, accidentally lets one end of accordion go so that it makes a loud, rude noise]
ADAM: There, see! I'm sure this Uncle Accordion guy is real nice, but--
POP: His name is Daddy Squeeze, Adam, you know, the accordion makes some of the most beautiful sounds in the world!
ADAM: Yeah, when it comes to dulcet tones, it ranks right up there with the musk ox and the blunderbuss.
[more rude accordion noises]
POP: And besides, Dan Newton is a great musician. He'll play anything!
ADAM: [looking at accordion] Obviously. Look, Pop. The only good accordion is a dead accordion. Nothing personal against Cousin Concertina here, but--
[Dan begins to acknowledge Pop and Adam's presence]
POP: It's Daddy Squeeze, Adam. Hi Dan, we're just about ready here [waves to Dan] Adam, would it change your mind if I told you that Dan Newton's appearance is underwritten by a sponsor?
ADAM: When accordions are outlawed, only outlaws will have--what?
POP: A sponsor. I found a sponsor for Dan Newton.
ADAM: A sponsor with money?
POP: With money.
ADAM: You found a sponsor for an accordion player?
POP: Adam, stranger things have happened.
ADAM: When?
POP: [ignoring him and picking up copy] Folks, Dan Newton's appearance on the Cedar Social is sponsored by Lady of Spain Brand Support Stockings!
[Dan breaks into raucous, uptempo, self-parodying "Lady of Spain"]
POP: [reads copy] Ladies, if you suffer from tired, achy legs; if your calves are droopy and toneless: if you're tired of friends saying, "Nice patterned stockings" when you're not wearing any, try on a pair of Lady of Spain Supporting Stockings for sighs--that's sighs: "S I G H S". Lady of Spain will adore your legs, and they cost little more than a good hammer. And remember, folks “For varicose veins, try Lady of Spains!”
[Dan finishes with flourish on cue]
[Pop then introduces Dan; Pop and Adam exit]
