© Adam Granger
THE SPATS GO TO A FAMILY THERAPIST
3-5-03
(Music up)
ANN: And now, it’s time for a visit with America’s favorite feudin’ family, the Spats!
JS: I’m Jack Spat.
PS: And I’m Pat. Pat Spat, because my husband decided not to change his last name--
JS: Oh don’t start--
PS: --after promising that he would
JS: --I told you I was drunk--
PS: Meaning it was between noon and midnight--
JS: Well, who wouldn’t drink. . .
(ARGUING FADES OUT)
ANN: The Spats. Brought to you by Lundberg Counselling Agency. Because sometimes, you just need to hear,
PARENTAL VOICE: STOP IT! JUST STOP IT!
ANN: And now, let’s join the Spats as they visit a conventional family therapist.
DL: Come in and have a seat. I’m Dr Larson. And you are. . .let’s see, the Spats. Jack and Pat Spat.
JS & PS: Hello.
DL: What brings you to a family therapist today?
JS: It was her idea.
PS: It was not. You suggested involving a professional.
JS: I said you should get your head examined. I didn’t mean for you to drag me along, too.
PS: You think everything’s my fault, don’t you?
JS: Oh, so this is all my fault? That we’re here in this shrink’s office?
DL: Actually, I’m a family therapist.
PS: If my mother ever finds out that we’re going to a shrink--
DL: —A family therapist, actually--
JS: The way you report to your mother, I’m sure she knows the shrink’s hat size by now.
DL; —that’s a family--
PS: --Oh, there you go again trashing my mother--
DL: —therapist. How about if we get acquainted a little bit? Let’s see. . .Spat. . .that’s an interesting name. Is that German?
PS: It’s stupid, is what it is. It’s a stupid name.
JS: You knew my name when you married me.
PS: You promised you were going to change your name when I married you.
JS: I was drunk.
PS: Stop the presses.
JS: Well, who wouldn’t drink? Wouldn’t you drink, Dr Logan?
DL: It’s not really appropriate for me to take sides in these issues.
JS: There. See? He’d drink, too!
DL: So, the family name is something of an issue. . .
PS: Well, come on. Please! Jack and Pat Spat. Give me a break.
DL: So there was talk of changing your name. That’s really quite common these days. A couple gets married and they take a new surname that they both like--
JS: I am not changing my last name to Romero.
DL: Romero? Like Cesar--
JS: —Cesar Romero. Yeah. She’s always had a thing for him.
PS: Oh sure. Spill all my secrets in front of this stranger.
DL: Actually, I’m a family therapist.
JS: She wanted me to grow a little pencil moustache--
PS: That’s it, buster. The French maid outfit is going right into the incinerator as soon as we get home--
DL: “Cesar Romero and the French Maid”. Sounds like there’s some promise there. . .
JS: Yeah, well, this Cesar Romero just fired his French maid.
PS: Fired? I quit! A maid doesn’t burn her outfit unless she’s quitting!
DL: I’m suggesting that maybe you two could work this into a marital exercise somehow. You know, a French maid burns her uniform and. . .
JS: Go ahead and burn it. You looked like Charo in it anyhow.
PS: There’s a lot of men who’d like to have Charo in a maid outfit in their bedroom.
JS: Yeah, if she’s making the bed.
PS: So now you’re going off on Charo.
DL: Maybe we can stick to you two and leave Charo out of this.
JS: Only if we leave out Cesar Romero too.
DL: All right. We’ll leave Charo and Cesar Romero out if this. Are we all agreed? Good. Now, one of the things we do in family therapy is to set a goal. A modest goal. Something that we can achieve.
JS: Keep is simple, doc. I already do all the work in this relationship.
PS: You do all the work like Fred Sanford kept a neat house.
DL: Yes, of course. Something simple for starters. How about. . .how about if each of you says something nice about the other.
PS: You go first.
JS: You go first!
PS: I always go first.
(FADE OUT)
(DIRGE MUSIC)
ANN: And so it goes, hour after hour, week after week. The same old arguments. Everybody’s time wasted. Everybody’s lives shortened. Jack and Pat go home comepletely exhausted. Dr Larson goes home and starts his own arguments with his own wife.
(MUSIC UP)
ANN: Well, it doesn’t have to be that way! You’ve got a choice now! Let’s tag along with the Spats again, but this time Jack and Pat Spat are going to a Lundberg Counseling Agency:
DF: Hello, I’m Dr Fanning. And you are the Spats. Come in, please. Have a seat.
JS & PS: Thank you.
DF: Well, what brings you two here today?
JS: I didn’t want to come! I told her it would be pointless as long as she was completely unwilling to bend on any issue--
(TALK OVER EACH OTHER)
PS: Me unwilling to bend? You’re a regular Henny Youngman.
JS: Yeah, you’ll think it’s funny when Dr—what’s your name?
DF: Fanning. Dr Fanning. Why don’t we--
JS: --Yeah, when Dr Banning here agrees with me. Then you’ll be laughing.
PS: His name is Dr Manning. Now that’s a name. Jack Spat. Honestly--
JS: You knew my name when you married me--
PS: You said you were going to change it--
DF: (HOLLERS) STOP IT! JUST STOP IT!
JS & PS: What?!
DF: BOTH OF YOU JUST STOP IT! You’re behaving like children! Honestly! You. . .you come in here and say these terrible things about each other, without even thinking about what you’re doing. . .what you’re saying, and who you’re saying it about. . .you should both be ashamed. . .the very idea. . .two grown human beings who profess to love each other. . .now I want you to just cut it out right now!
JS & PS: All right.
DF: Now both of you go home and JUST BEHAVE!
JS & PS: All right.
DF: And I don’t want to see you two in here again!
JS & PS: All right.
ANN: Do you know someone who could benefit from this type of therapy? If so, contact your neighborhood Lundberg Counselling Agency today. Maybe all they need is a good talking-to. That’s Lundberg Counseling Centers, leaders in abbreviated therapy since 2002.
3-5-03
(Music up)
ANN: And now, it’s time for a visit with America’s favorite feudin’ family, the Spats!
JS: I’m Jack Spat.
PS: And I’m Pat. Pat Spat, because my husband decided not to change his last name--
JS: Oh don’t start--
PS: --after promising that he would
JS: --I told you I was drunk--
PS: Meaning it was between noon and midnight--
JS: Well, who wouldn’t drink. . .
(ARGUING FADES OUT)
ANN: The Spats. Brought to you by Lundberg Counselling Agency. Because sometimes, you just need to hear,
PARENTAL VOICE: STOP IT! JUST STOP IT!
ANN: And now, let’s join the Spats as they visit a conventional family therapist.
DL: Come in and have a seat. I’m Dr Larson. And you are. . .let’s see, the Spats. Jack and Pat Spat.
JS & PS: Hello.
DL: What brings you to a family therapist today?
JS: It was her idea.
PS: It was not. You suggested involving a professional.
JS: I said you should get your head examined. I didn’t mean for you to drag me along, too.
PS: You think everything’s my fault, don’t you?
JS: Oh, so this is all my fault? That we’re here in this shrink’s office?
DL: Actually, I’m a family therapist.
PS: If my mother ever finds out that we’re going to a shrink--
DL: —A family therapist, actually--
JS: The way you report to your mother, I’m sure she knows the shrink’s hat size by now.
DL; —that’s a family--
PS: --Oh, there you go again trashing my mother--
DL: —therapist. How about if we get acquainted a little bit? Let’s see. . .Spat. . .that’s an interesting name. Is that German?
PS: It’s stupid, is what it is. It’s a stupid name.
JS: You knew my name when you married me.
PS: You promised you were going to change your name when I married you.
JS: I was drunk.
PS: Stop the presses.
JS: Well, who wouldn’t drink? Wouldn’t you drink, Dr Logan?
DL: It’s not really appropriate for me to take sides in these issues.
JS: There. See? He’d drink, too!
DL: So, the family name is something of an issue. . .
PS: Well, come on. Please! Jack and Pat Spat. Give me a break.
DL: So there was talk of changing your name. That’s really quite common these days. A couple gets married and they take a new surname that they both like--
JS: I am not changing my last name to Romero.
DL: Romero? Like Cesar--
JS: —Cesar Romero. Yeah. She’s always had a thing for him.
PS: Oh sure. Spill all my secrets in front of this stranger.
DL: Actually, I’m a family therapist.
JS: She wanted me to grow a little pencil moustache--
PS: That’s it, buster. The French maid outfit is going right into the incinerator as soon as we get home--
DL: “Cesar Romero and the French Maid”. Sounds like there’s some promise there. . .
JS: Yeah, well, this Cesar Romero just fired his French maid.
PS: Fired? I quit! A maid doesn’t burn her outfit unless she’s quitting!
DL: I’m suggesting that maybe you two could work this into a marital exercise somehow. You know, a French maid burns her uniform and. . .
JS: Go ahead and burn it. You looked like Charo in it anyhow.
PS: There’s a lot of men who’d like to have Charo in a maid outfit in their bedroom.
JS: Yeah, if she’s making the bed.
PS: So now you’re going off on Charo.
DL: Maybe we can stick to you two and leave Charo out of this.
JS: Only if we leave out Cesar Romero too.
DL: All right. We’ll leave Charo and Cesar Romero out if this. Are we all agreed? Good. Now, one of the things we do in family therapy is to set a goal. A modest goal. Something that we can achieve.
JS: Keep is simple, doc. I already do all the work in this relationship.
PS: You do all the work like Fred Sanford kept a neat house.
DL: Yes, of course. Something simple for starters. How about. . .how about if each of you says something nice about the other.
PS: You go first.
JS: You go first!
PS: I always go first.
(FADE OUT)
(DIRGE MUSIC)
ANN: And so it goes, hour after hour, week after week. The same old arguments. Everybody’s time wasted. Everybody’s lives shortened. Jack and Pat go home comepletely exhausted. Dr Larson goes home and starts his own arguments with his own wife.
(MUSIC UP)
ANN: Well, it doesn’t have to be that way! You’ve got a choice now! Let’s tag along with the Spats again, but this time Jack and Pat Spat are going to a Lundberg Counseling Agency:
DF: Hello, I’m Dr Fanning. And you are the Spats. Come in, please. Have a seat.
JS & PS: Thank you.
DF: Well, what brings you two here today?
JS: I didn’t want to come! I told her it would be pointless as long as she was completely unwilling to bend on any issue--
(TALK OVER EACH OTHER)
PS: Me unwilling to bend? You’re a regular Henny Youngman.
JS: Yeah, you’ll think it’s funny when Dr—what’s your name?
DF: Fanning. Dr Fanning. Why don’t we--
JS: --Yeah, when Dr Banning here agrees with me. Then you’ll be laughing.
PS: His name is Dr Manning. Now that’s a name. Jack Spat. Honestly--
JS: You knew my name when you married me--
PS: You said you were going to change it--
DF: (HOLLERS) STOP IT! JUST STOP IT!
JS & PS: What?!
DF: BOTH OF YOU JUST STOP IT! You’re behaving like children! Honestly! You. . .you come in here and say these terrible things about each other, without even thinking about what you’re doing. . .what you’re saying, and who you’re saying it about. . .you should both be ashamed. . .the very idea. . .two grown human beings who profess to love each other. . .now I want you to just cut it out right now!
JS & PS: All right.
DF: Now both of you go home and JUST BEHAVE!
JS & PS: All right.
DF: And I don’t want to see you two in here again!
JS & PS: All right.
ANN: Do you know someone who could benefit from this type of therapy? If so, contact your neighborhood Lundberg Counselling Agency today. Maybe all they need is a good talking-to. That’s Lundberg Counseling Centers, leaders in abbreviated therapy since 2002.