© Adam Granger
THE CEDAR SOCIAL GETS SUED--3-20-94
running time: 4:00
POP: Say, Adam, it's been a while since we checked the Cedar Social mail box.
ADAM: Pop, you're not trying to resurrect that dreary old Mail Call feature we used to do, are you?
POP: People liked the Mail Call, Adam. Come on, let's do it for old time's sake. I'll start it the way I used to: "And now, folks, it's time for the Cedar Social Mail Call, where we take a look at some of the mountains and mountains of correspondence we get each and every week! Adam, will you be so kind as to check our mail box?"
ADAM: All right (crosses to mail box and removes letter).
POP: We get lots of fan mail, folks. There does appear to be some correspondence. Open 'er up, Adam. It's probably a fan letter.
ADAM: Well, it's not junk mail and it's not a form letter. And yes, it is from one of our fans. Mrs. Elmer Torgeson of Butterfield, Mn.
POP: Her name is Elmer?
ADAM: She writes: "Dear Doc and Adam. I recently heard you on television telling people that if they came to the History Center in St. Paul to see the Cedar Social they'd have--and I quote--'the best time they've ever had'. Well, Elmer and I came to the show, and, while we did have a good time, it was only the second best time we've ever had. The best for us was when we went bowling with Harold Stassen in New Ulm in 1965. It wouldn't have been all that difficult for you to beat that if you'd just tried a little harder. I cannot begin to describe how upset and disappointed we are.
Hairball I am announcing--"hairball"? I can't read this. . .
[hand to Pop]
POP: "Therefore". . .not hairball. "Therefore, I am announcing our intent to sue you! We are asking for the following: ten dollars for the tickets; $1.75 for gas; and $100,000 for emotional pain and suffering, for a total of $100,011.75. You don't have a chance. We're a sweet little Norwegian couple who wear modest clothing; we'll look great on the witness stand. See you in court. Sincerely, Mrs. Elmer Torgeson" Adam, I think we'd better refer this letter to our legal department right away. (hand letter to Adam)
ADAM: Pop, our "legal department" is my wife.
POP: True, but she's an attorney, she'll know what to do about this--
ADAM: --Wait! There's a P.S. here: "There is one other avenue we would consider: We are performers. We almost used to be in vaudeville. Elmer juggles flaming umbrellas while I play spirited music on the zither. It's a real show-stopper! We would consider dropping our suit if we could be guests on your show. That's our offer: we play or you pay. Our cellular, page and fax numbers are listed below--" Pop, this is all just a cheap attempt to get on our show! See, that's why the Mail Call feature never worked: We get too much weird mail. We always end up with some kind of problem on our hands. Well, you got us into this spot, Pop. I challenge you to get us out of it with any vestige of polish and dignity.
POP: Um. . . (pause a beat) That's the Cedar Social Mail Call, folks, where we look at some of the mountains and mountains of mail we receive each and every week!
running time: 4:00
POP: Say, Adam, it's been a while since we checked the Cedar Social mail box.
ADAM: Pop, you're not trying to resurrect that dreary old Mail Call feature we used to do, are you?
POP: People liked the Mail Call, Adam. Come on, let's do it for old time's sake. I'll start it the way I used to: "And now, folks, it's time for the Cedar Social Mail Call, where we take a look at some of the mountains and mountains of correspondence we get each and every week! Adam, will you be so kind as to check our mail box?"
ADAM: All right (crosses to mail box and removes letter).
POP: We get lots of fan mail, folks. There does appear to be some correspondence. Open 'er up, Adam. It's probably a fan letter.
ADAM: Well, it's not junk mail and it's not a form letter. And yes, it is from one of our fans. Mrs. Elmer Torgeson of Butterfield, Mn.
POP: Her name is Elmer?
ADAM: She writes: "Dear Doc and Adam. I recently heard you on television telling people that if they came to the History Center in St. Paul to see the Cedar Social they'd have--and I quote--'the best time they've ever had'. Well, Elmer and I came to the show, and, while we did have a good time, it was only the second best time we've ever had. The best for us was when we went bowling with Harold Stassen in New Ulm in 1965. It wouldn't have been all that difficult for you to beat that if you'd just tried a little harder. I cannot begin to describe how upset and disappointed we are.
Hairball I am announcing--"hairball"? I can't read this. . .
[hand to Pop]
POP: "Therefore". . .not hairball. "Therefore, I am announcing our intent to sue you! We are asking for the following: ten dollars for the tickets; $1.75 for gas; and $100,000 for emotional pain and suffering, for a total of $100,011.75. You don't have a chance. We're a sweet little Norwegian couple who wear modest clothing; we'll look great on the witness stand. See you in court. Sincerely, Mrs. Elmer Torgeson" Adam, I think we'd better refer this letter to our legal department right away. (hand letter to Adam)
ADAM: Pop, our "legal department" is my wife.
POP: True, but she's an attorney, she'll know what to do about this--
ADAM: --Wait! There's a P.S. here: "There is one other avenue we would consider: We are performers. We almost used to be in vaudeville. Elmer juggles flaming umbrellas while I play spirited music on the zither. It's a real show-stopper! We would consider dropping our suit if we could be guests on your show. That's our offer: we play or you pay. Our cellular, page and fax numbers are listed below--" Pop, this is all just a cheap attempt to get on our show! See, that's why the Mail Call feature never worked: We get too much weird mail. We always end up with some kind of problem on our hands. Well, you got us into this spot, Pop. I challenge you to get us out of it with any vestige of polish and dignity.
POP: Um. . . (pause a beat) That's the Cedar Social Mail Call, folks, where we look at some of the mountains and mountains of mail we receive each and every week!